Warning: you don't want to read what's written below. It's me venting and to a large extent I don't make much sense to myself. Please be warned to skip this post.
Every time I wanna write something here I just end up all low and depressed. I dunno if I want to write because am low and depressed or am low and depressed because I wanna write...Quit thinking about what could it possibly be...when something that has always been your warm comfortable blanket becomes your primary source of discomfort, what do you do?how is one supposed to see this transition coming?I sure as hell didn't see it coming...buddies of mine keep telling me about their love lives trusting me to give them sensible and good advice, and knock wood, I have so far...I just dunno what has gone wrong with me instead...it sure is bloody difficult to follow your own advice isn't it?at 25 I never thought I would be this SINGLE...it feels that way in so many many ways...and up until now I had myself convinced that it was the best...I did what I did, I went where I wanted to, I wore what I wanted to wear, I looked the way I wanted to look...but now it doesn't seem to be enough...I still wanna do all of the above..but the joy and sense of independence and the satisfaction and the kick I get from being myself, I wanna share all this with someone...I do accept that the word commitment will have me running in the opposite direction as fast as my legs can carry...but I wonder where would that one man be who would make me want to legally add 'commitment' as my middle name...is it putting too much pressure on the guy?I dunno...but I also know that the pressure here wouldn't be any less...I would have to get used to a long term arrangement which by no means is an easy feat to achieve...I would like to be loved like I see others are being loved...I would liked to be taken care of the way others are being taken care of...I would like to light a spark in some one's eyes the way others' light...I don't think I am as brave as I think I am or maybe just this moment as am writing am having one of those vulnerable moments...sometimes it feels so wrong that I have to always work real hard to get something while the going is a lil easy on a few others but there are those times as well when I know that I have a good night's peaceful sleep knowing jolly well I deserve every atom and molecule of what I have and I have earned...am I envious of anyone as am writing this post?maybe zillions of people...but its a healthy envy as now it will get me striving all the more to achieve that one thing that I think of most of the times these days...
Will continue the rant in due course..hope you aren't reading this now :)
