Shy moments of Clarity :)

i always feared loneliness and kept preparing myself for the 'D' day when i would find myself devoid of any thought and utterly lonely.and here i am today, having realized that when i have been lonely in the past, loneliness was my constant companion. but when i have been alone, i have been just that... alone!

i kept chasing one big dream of mine. and one day i woke. woke up because i realized that i had quit dreaming altogether. it is indeed time to start dreaming again as well as chase that big dream of mine.

i used to think when  lines start blurring , the other in the equation would draw them back or would be used to the lines by now... that's wrong i discovered! it's my responsibility to ME to draw those lines again and to not lose sight of what I want out of that relationship.

i know my kaya and moksh will not be my flesh and blood. but they are my life and soul can't wait to bring them home :)

a day to remember!

I was 'queerish' with all the excitement and colors that went swirling round me again and again last afternoon. With the secure comfort of my camera I hesitantly started clicking my pictures worried sick how they might turn out to be. Guess the fear came from that pocket of my being that wanted me to be a 'photographer.' The pocket does not exist anymore!
I am no 'photographer.' 
I am a 'thief who hunts.' I stole and captured moments. I froze emotions and kept them with me. I picked and collected colors slyly hiding them in my digital basket. Flipping through my bounty made me realize how a pinch of pure joy and a dash of unabashed excitement at that right moment helped create a memory that's distinctly etched in my mind. A memory that has miraculously managed to make me grin ear to ear literally. 
I walked. I danced. I laughed. I hugged. I drank. I ate. and I clicked myself to delirious joy in 'gay abandon.'

Wishes =/= Horses or maybe Wishes == Horses

Wishes sometimes do seem to be horses
although an ordinary beggar like myself would  love to ride
ride far away from all of this confusion
sadness i know i can cry
happiness i know i can laugh
anger i know i can yell
jealousy i know i can sulk
confusion i know not how to react
a void filled emotion is not something i think i handle well
yet it fills my head
occupies all of my time
days of frolic and carefree abandon lost
so far scattered opinions colliding to create friction
Wish i could ride away from it all
old times' sake blackmails me into stalling
yet does not stop me from wondering what next
where to from here
does the journey continue or does it flow into ambiguity?
anybody?

Conditioned Fantasies

Drowsy pain
sobering my fuzzy mind,
slap-to-reality spasms
denying me access into my Alice in Wonderland world.
swirling colors
like delicious flavors tingling and taunting the cool recesses of my head.
sensations are abound,
appreciation in plenty,
the male form is desired!
and reciprocated desire is expected of HIM!
yet HE changes every week,
sometimes everyday,
fickle my mind may sure seem to be.
but if there was one who proved HIS mettle,
i know i could give HIM the guarantee.
unfortunately though, 'THAT'S a rare vintage,'
as my dear friend would say,
rings in my head and refuses to leave,
but not before it aids me in creating beautiful picturesque paintings.
paintings of scenarios,
scenarios that reduce me to a wanton amorous woman,
a wild being painfully restricted
by self imposed chains and ropes of modesty and social conditioning.
oh! how wonderful would it be for the social improper to be proper.
even if for just a day.
to take pride in the release of a delectable sigh of satisfaction.
and yet, as i write i know with a deep sense of self understanding-
its going to be only a sigh of fatigue that will escape between my lips!

Ooh So Bitchy Mirror and the Poor Evil Stepmother :)

'Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of all?'

------------

I repeat, 'Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of all?'

------------

*Maybe its the lighting issue. Maybe I should thrust my breasts out a little more... oh I don't know. How to deal with a silent mirror? Lets try nevertheless*

So, ahem, 'Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of all?'

Mirror: I am not sure who the fairest is but you definitely aren't the best endowed oh foolish one.

Hrmph! I could so totally throw you down and shatter you to a million sparkly wannabe stars. You know what's stopping me?

Mirror: First, am quite scared. Shivering so much in fear am sure if you see carefully the loose skin on your face would appear to be quivering. Second, I am dying to know why have I been spared. So go on and enlighten me.

Oh Oh you... like whatever... insolent little dude... like totally... like I could so....

Mirror: I see we have gotten eloquent now, haven't we? Does that make 8 words in total in your dictionary now?

LOL!!! How funny! Remind me to laugh tomorrow.

Mirror: Oh that prospect scares me dahling considering your age. I am afraid a new day will dawn and I wouldn't hear your voice. Uh Oh!

I think I shall go to the mall this evening to get a tin of black paint and paint you black. Just you wait and watch!

Mirror: In all these joyfully miserable years, this is the first thing you have said that even sounds remotely appealing. The darkness... mmmm.. finally the sleep I have been yearning for is just 'round the corner. By the way you might want to change out of those acid washed jeans lest invisibility to the opposite sex is your goal.

Like I care what you have to say about my sense of style.

Mirror: Then don't. Go get the paint the way you are dressed.

Oh I will. I don't need you to tell me that! Ummm... are the jeans really that awful?

Mirror: Women! If only I had eyes to roll. Yea, they are awful. The kind you wear to work on your farm and then end the day chugging beer, burping and having your flabby ass smacked by some unknown peasant.

Oh now we are trying to be Tim Gunn I see. So why didn't you say so before?

Mirror: I am a Mirror. I tend to answer to questions thrown in my direction. I chose to speak now as I desperately needed to remind myself that I wasn't a damaged stereo system playing a dialogue on loop. And to be honest, I quite enjoyed you making an ass of yourself in those fugly jeans.

I thought you the Mighty Mirror were asexual. Oh how wrong I was.

Mirror: Surprised are you that I am that bitchy girlfriend you have always wished for but never had? Or surprised that I am like every man you have met so far. So what/who am I?

After all that I have been through and seen reflectively, you would be surprised to find out the truth.

Who are you?

Mirror: Oh I am a little tired with all the unusual banter we just shared. Will indulge you another time. So long Dahling!

Just Catching Up

It had been playing peek-a-boo for a while now,

She had known it was just around the corner for sometime now

and yet, when it finally arrived and she had to embrace it,

Even acknowledging seemed next to impossible.

Or so she thought.

Up until now the world seemed to have moved on as she stood stationary to her ground,

and now she was moving at a pace that threatened the speed of light.

Sleep started its lazy seduction earlier in the night,

health preceded beauty in importance,

goals replaced wild night-outs,

risqué notions on relationships started getting laced with the idea of commitment,

crow's feet became a recent acquaintance of her smile,

steaming anger fizzled out cooling to a calm and still Zen state.

Reactions were forgotten now, thanks to responses taking over,

She found it as easy to get choked with emotion as to laugh,

She smiled, lighting up her eyes,

She was growing into the woman she knew she was meant to be,

Becoming her own person,

And yea! she's proud of it.

bits and pieces

her fingers stopped typing suddenly.

she was staring into blank space

or was it blank after all?

wondering.

worrying.

mesmerized.

possessed,

realization hit her.

she was that pink elephant in the room

goes carefully unnoticed!

oh!she had been looking for the pink elephant, herself.

if only she had glanced at the mirror- but now,

her computer screen had done the deed

alone, by herself, clueless and lost

terrified she was, but excited too.

methodical responses she gave to questions volleyed at her,

a trance she found herself in or maybe her living had become the trance now.

tried to drink her woes away, aware they weren't abandoning her anytime soon-

knew now didn't she?

it was overwhelming;

wasn't it?

to know &

possess a certain knowledge of being unloved...unloved amidst

oh!she didn't know what to call it-

unconditional love or obligation?

hungry for so much... but the 'much' she didn't know was what-

broken sentences from broken thoughts

broken hearts eventually formed a whole, yet,

broken thoughts never completed themselves.

she knew what had to be done.

she was going to ...

Of Love Filled Laughter and Sniffles

She was his sunshi(g)ne... a name that stuck with her because of uncontrollable laughter interwoven with delectable flirting... he became her bako raja... madness was redefined... love gathered new silken evasive layers that held them together... he drove her up the wall most of the time... she proved to him that women were indeed mysterious creatures whom men might never understand... they loved... they laughed... they ate... they lived... they argued... then they fought... they cried... they spoke... they hated and then loved again... distance didn't make the hearts grow fonder... hearts grew distant... minds turning into strangers... happy discoveries became tiresome and tedious questions that needed an answer but never had one... and finally one full moon night that held numerous starry promises, the dreaded words were spoken and finality took control... they parted amidst sniffles and tears and promises of a maybe tomorrow... sigh! even as they hoped they were aware of reality... but they did have a tomorrow... just not their tomorrow... yet a tomorrow that perhaps wasn't so bad... he still makes her laugh.. and she still makes him flirt... they haven't forgotten... love's taken a new form but hasn't gone anywhere...

so much left to be spoken...

so much left to be shared...

and tomorrow's always going to be there

She is....

waffle warm sun comforting her... restless'ly' beautiful music getting her heart to race... a spasm to remind her of reality... she wishes yet wishes she hadn't wished... engulfed by a whirlpool of confusion she tries to get her footing... hah! if only!

she looks up with a jerk hoping the sudden movement will be caught by the oh-so-not-watchful eye of the creator... screws her eyes wondering who this creator was, indeed, reflecting vividly the confusion she was in... she does not notice the wide smiled creator smiling indulgently at this 'little being' who does not recognize how mighty she is...

she wonders and ponders over her future... she marinates in her present... she dusts her past to live through old experiences again... guide her through the new ones she gets to make... smiles fondly at relationships past and then smiles wistfully at relationships to come... then she smiles with a longing for that one recent rendezvous she had had with this otherwise perfectly imperfect man...

and she sighs!!!

Do you like to Design or know anyone who likes to?????

colors splashed here there and everywhere... silhouettes playing hide and seek... textures sliding, flowing and grazing... plain transforms into resplendent and fantabulous... fabrics grow into much envied garments... shoes walk in to walk out with a thrilled client and bags hang proudly on happy shoulders...

do you like to design? do you wish you had a store of your own? do you know someone who might want to do both of these? do you know someone who knows someone who could be interested? if you do your help is going to be absolutely invaluable... let me know here and i will get in touch with you...

i am gonna thank you here hoping that this post does indeed help in finding the person sought after... optimistic or unrealistic?

thanksssss

...and you will never know!!!

You look at me! There’s a little spark in your eyes and that impish smile pops up lighting your face that makes me want to hold it between my hands, look deep into your eyes and then wink at you, my eyes filled with promises of what could be and a ghost of a smile that has you wondering about its authenticity and has you worrying about your next move.

You look pleased to see me and give me a warm hug and I so want to get a whiff of you, smell you and savor your essence but for some reason find it difficult to even breathe evenly as I realize you have quietly learnt to remote control my pituitary gland.

You stand out with me and, in an air of uncertainty that seems to have made fast friends with both of us, I begin to consume you visually all the while creating scenarios of consumption that make me believe that I possess more than five senses.

You haven’t allowed me to experience the various colors of you, yet I want to paint my lips a bright scarlet and mark every inch of your body claiming ownership while you writhe and beg me to stop and that brings me to a pause wondering how would you mark my body claiming ownership when I realize then, that I don’t even know if you have acknowledged me as a woman.

You talk about something, about anything to help me feel comfortable but sometimes I wonder if it would help me better if you just shut up and let me just absorb you in every possible way I could and to find that closure that would help me move on with life and move onto another man, and yet I want to fill my ears with the sound of your voice allowing an intangible part of you to enter and fill me.

You have always been my source of incredibly amorous fantasies since I laid eyes on you, I wonder where this journey with you is going to take me or even if we do share a journey together? You, I suppose, will in all probabilities remain a collection of disconnected and loose ends and remain my unfinished business just like this piece of writing…

Grayed Enlightenment!!!

I have eclipsed me.

I have eclipsed me into a different and a new being, someone who makes it very difficult to recognize and relate either to the old me or the new me. It is exasperating, when you are lost at some given point in time of your life, but treacherously so, when you lose a part of who you are. That sense of loss is abysmal.

A vivid blur is all that I see around me. Something comprehensible, something I just might understand yet elusive. A Pandora's box seems more appealing in comparison to these garbled oxymorons in my head. I try to sit back, take in a deep breath and try to retrace my steps, go back in time to find that moment when the transition occurred. I don't and can't find that moment. Even that is lost to me.

Instead I come to Now, with a renewed and emphasized sense of being lost, gulping for some air. I realize that am choking in my attempt to stick around by gulping too much too fast and I know I need to stop Now. I've almost stopped it.

I realize now that the more I try to locate the old me or define the new me, grayer is the hue turning out to be, the hue around me. There is someone I hold in high regard, who believes that we have only white or black in life. I always insist that there is also a gray out there.

So involved did I get, but, in trying to locate the gray that today I am responsible for having created various hues of gray. They have now inter-woven themselves to form a dreary and heavy and smoky blanket that weighs light yet heavily on me.

I don't like its feel nor its smell nor the way it looks. I like nothing about it, yet I created it.

Moments of enlightenment come and go like shards piercing my gray smoky blanket, allowing me pin pricks of light. But the blanket weaves itself back to place.

Yet, I like gray!

I now need to change, rather I need to now amalgamate all these hues of gray into a uniform one and hope to lighten that with some white <3