What did 2012 do for me? Or wait... What did I do in 2012???

                                                              My 2012 

• Completed three years in the same company. Discovered am not all that commitment phobic as I thought I was.
• Had my first fracture :) Bloody painful. Turned out to be the best introspective and philosophical ride I have ever taken.
• Danced with gay abandon at a club. First time when inhibitions didn't pop my third left leg out.
• Got inked. Two tattoos, mind you.
• Made some, if I may say so myself, delicious Baileys/ Irish Cream. My way of drinking in front of my parents :) And what's even better? My grandparents and mom love it. Time for dad to taste.
• Another year successfully gone with no pressures from folks to get married. Knock on wood.
• BBQ'ed chicken with brother in law and sister. Yucky but when done, that chicken was fantabulous. Maybe got the coals to thank :)
• Made my first body scrub. So much fun making it and oooh, love love how it smells.
• Became an avid Pinner on Pinterest. My lifeline it has become.
• Lost two friends (nah, they ain't dead... just stopped being friends). Got closer to the ones I already had.
• Cut my hair real short and couldn't stop grinning for two days straight.
• Went to Gokarna finally. Heading back soon. Just couldn't get enough of it the last time.
• Got funnier. So much fun to see people trying hard to stop laughing. A gorgeous sight it is.
• Dealt with a drunken thief at office. Got my pepper spray finally :)
• Spoke less Tamizh. Will be on top of my TO-DO list for 2013.
• Discovered some beautiful music. Favorite being Have you Ever Been in Love by Divine Comedy.
• Fell a lot in the gym (that's why the broken foot), but no embarrassment to follow. Phew! Secure to a large extent I am now.
• Got my annual Root Canal done. LOL. One a year is now a must. Wonder how many left.
• Got out a Facebook page with my sister- Oranges and Peppers. A proud moment.
• Actually set up a website using a Wordpress template though. But, when I created those tabs that went to different pages, I knew I was special. A feel good moment at its best.
• Changed from an LG phone to a Samsung Galaxy S2 to iPhone. Love being a tech freak.
• Got my laptop. The joy of buying something that dear to me with my hard earned money :)
• Survived the Mayan apocalypse of course... lol!!!

Am sure if I think further, these bullet points above shall never end. And that only tells me one thing, which has me grinning like a fool all over again... I lived my life in 2012... Nothing else matters :) :) :)

Here's to a kickass, soopah doopah, jing chak (a happy sound) and total glitter filled and rhinestone adorned 2013 :)

Happy Happy New Year folks... Hope you guys too have lived your 2012... Wishing you all the love and smiles and sunshine and funny one liners and alcohol and kickass music and complete madness in the coming year... MMMUUAAAAHHH

oh, oh, oh... if you wanna share with me what you did in 2012, go for it OK... would love to read your story :)

Incomplete like everything else... t.i.m.e. ---> c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.d

the pitter patter of my dreams
slowly ironing out my wrinkled miseries,
a gnawing need for 'real'ationships
throwing away flaky pleasantries.
with ambitions almost satiated
my practicality burps in satisfaction
as my libido suddenly snaps its drowsy eyes open
and moans in distress.
now that its content, the intellect quits to toss and turn
that my body begins, to continue my life's rhythm.

Just a few of my favorite things (:

the sound of a baby getting himself to giggle like there's no tomorrow,

getting precisely one note right while attempting to 'sing' my favortie song,

a sudden visual memory of a past love

my orange slush creating an unwanted but nevertheless a funnily pleasuarable brain freeze  

cancellation of the conference call by my client leaving me cluelessly free for an evening

an old dress fitting me like second skin

waking up to a tranquil dawn before the alarm goes off

a sip of water gushing down my parched throat

a sly infectious and gregarious smile creeping into my face making others smile

an indulgent yawn accompanied by a lazy stretch on a rainy morning

These are indeed a few of my favorite things!!!

Start Living for Y O U!!!

It's so dark. She is alone. She is afraid of this darkness. It had started with the lights dimming. Slowly the cold blanket of darkness crept its way around and all over her and turned her painlessly blind. She tried to shout out for help. Fear got first to her vocal chords, holding them tight together. It didn't even allow a whimper to escape. She tried to cry the pain out. Nothing happened. He had ensured that she was dehydrated of that emotion. She felt it all the time. Fear was now her constant menacing companion. 

She was slowly suffocating in it. She knew the darkness not only absorbed and stole her vision, but it was slowly absorbing all the oxygen around her and stealing her breath, just not the way she would have liked it. She smiled for him, helplessly aware of the muscles starting to move and the ache of the same when she had to hold that smile for ten seconds. She had to be happy, but just the way he liked it. She now had acquired a new skill, that she had never before thought of as a life skill. She now knew how to act. 

Fear had incarcerated her ability to talk. She met her family. They all lived in the same city. They loved her. She knew they loved her. They would do anything humanly possible and within and beyond their means to make her happy. But, she didn't talk. She was afraid to talk to them. Ashamed and regretting the choices she made, she maintained a stoic silence. The charade was slowly turning into an alternate reality. Often had her wondering if she was suffering from Multiple Personalities Disorder (MPD). But, it wasn't going to be that easy for her. She was conscious and alert at all times living her double life. She didn't even have the comfort of blanking out that MPD would have had to offer. 

Defeated, hopeless with an absolute absence of a sense of self worth, she now believes that she is where she is, that she is with whom she is because she deserves it. She does not know how to love herself, or more importantly, does not recognize the fact that it is A- O.K. to love oneself. She is who she is because of this man who is currently in her life. Afraid if he leaves her she is going to be another piece of furniture. Afraid if he leaves, she will be living a void and not a life. Has chosen to have this drama in what she calls her life instead having to face the world, start all over again and pretend to enjoy a semblance of a normal life that is as alien to her as this man loving her for who she is.

I am writing this, to let her and all the other women out there in the same dreary passive place know that, life can never metamorphosize into being a void.  You are responsible for you. Take responsibility. Decision making is never easy, even more so now. But making that decision where you put yourself before 'him,' you will realize later would be the best decision you have ever made in your life. This isn't any self help advice. You will appreciate that decision of yours when you start living life all over again. It isn't wrong to love yourself. Start Loving YOU. Living life happy isn't a crime. Start Smiling, Giggling and Laughing TODAY. 

Be easy on yourself. There are very many of us for you. I am here for you. Ready to listen if you are ready to talk! Take Care (:

HEart- Breaker :) - Part Two

HE 2: When someone tells you not to ask for trouble, L I S T E N!!! Oh, if only I had listened. Seems like am destined to learn life lessons the hard way- the one and only way that works for me. So 'He're's my second-He. 


An ex of a dear friend. That was the first clue thrown at me by the cosmos to stay the h**l away. But, yours truly, is often blind and deaf and pretty much senseless in every possible way to the obvious. I was one of the few who had a cell phone all those years ago. Thought twas a blessing then. The thinking has changed since. I messaged him. I proposed a naive and immature treaty of flirting, asking for his consent. Consent, that I did get without a hitch, but of course. And This, began one of the most memorable and life altering experiences that I have ever had in this tiny life of mine so far.


Nine months. How poetic and ironic! That's how long 'it' went on. Two different cities. Long distance calls and messages. I don't know what to call what we shared. 'It' has no name. Not a relationship, not a fling. To me it wasn't a crush, never felt an infatuation. I would like to believe it was love, but was it? Today, I don't know. I was young. Feels like an excuse today. I am a woman! I should have listened to my instincts. But then again, I am a woman. I had been waiting for my tall, dark and handsome 'knight in shining armor' to come riding gallantly into my life and sweep me off my feet. So I fell in love with a faceless man, waited every night (the only 'k'night I was going to get) for his calls or messages, who never came riding yet torpedoed into my life, swept me off my feet and let go, having me fall as gracefully as I could on my larger than life derrière. 


The natural padding didn't help, after all. 


He came finally to my city. We met for 15 minutes, I guess. There were promises made of another meeting but of course I knew it never was going to happen. He left without a word. My battle of the bulge won. He didn't like what he saw.  I cannot think of any other reason for his sudden change in attitude and behavior. 


I, was looking for love. He, was bored and wanted to have some fun. Guess we were looking for different things in life, from life. I am not angry anymore. I was hurt and upset, close to five years. Today, I know I had asked for 'it.' My heart got broken. For the first time in my life, I was starkly reminded of its presence. He taught me though how much I could love, adore someone. How I could make my life about someone and live for someone. He also taught me though, that I should be wise in choosing that someone. Should thank him when I meet him for that.
He is a bitter sweet memory, who is fast fading into a hazy cerebral silhouette. 

'HE're are my stories- Part One

The He-s of my life (no familial references :-) : A project that shall come into life in parts, is special in very many ways to me. Might not make much sense, but its still a tribute to all the He-s nevertheless.

HE 1: Has me wondering ... where the f**k is he now? What a mad rush those three days of knowing him gave me. A complete stranger. Fellow countryman from a foreign country. Tall, wheatish and cute. So not my idea of the perfect one.


Sensed him even before laid my eyes on him. His breath teasing my forehead as he bent, to ask me if all concerts in India were that bad in his quasi British accent. The random chap stopped being random within 5 minutes. A merry (or mary) columbus and a giantwheel spin followed by dropping him off in the middle of somewhere, a date was fixed. Date happened and so did the disappearing act.


The date, today I know, was a catastrophe. Hindsight sure knows how to kick your rear end mercilessly :). Date happened alongwith my entourage of girls who did nothing to hide their enthusiasm in 'perusing' him. Then the two of us started walking aimlessly on the streets of the city, doing those very things I deemed below me.  Don't let those creative juices flow folks. What I mean is we were wandering aimlessly, coyly holding hands and smiling and giggling at really blah stuff and pretty much being the corniest people. Post coffee and an interesting conversation, it was time for me to leave. Promises were made, yet a sense that these were hanging promises never left me. These weren't grounded substantial promises made. They were as flighty and new as the man himself. Haven't met him since. Been 8- 9 years. Yet a smile always tickles my face when I think of him.


He was my first mills & boon man. And he always will be. The first man to make me feel divinely beautiful and gorgeously feminine. Will always be thankful for that. No anger, No regrets. Will do it all over again if I had to, but this time will jot down his name so I won't forget.


(:

H O P E, should she?

opinions hurled, becoming arguments.

'listen' being the chosen word, 

chosen though by pairs of deaf ears.

if not, why didn't they hear?

a muffled moan...

a cry worn down by anguish...

a silence made deafening by the pain that caused it...

she tried hard to communicate.

yet, she was falling short somewhere.

and then, she fell into an abyss,

a dark narrow abyss that went on and on.

an abyss of, hurt, misunderstanding, impatience...

of so many sad things, simply.

she wasn't ready.

they must know it, 

yet they didn't.

quit floating further into the abyss, you little idiot!

she chided herself.

start flying.

soar above and beyond the abyss.

show them how you fly.

they'll understand.

bereft of any strength or inclination to make her voice heard,

that is also she is left with now...

Hope!