Start Living for Y O U!!!

It's so dark. She is alone. She is afraid of this darkness. It had started with the lights dimming. Slowly the cold blanket of darkness crept its way around and all over her and turned her painlessly blind. She tried to shout out for help. Fear got first to her vocal chords, holding them tight together. It didn't even allow a whimper to escape. She tried to cry the pain out. Nothing happened. He had ensured that she was dehydrated of that emotion. She felt it all the time. Fear was now her constant menacing companion. 

She was slowly suffocating in it. She knew the darkness not only absorbed and stole her vision, but it was slowly absorbing all the oxygen around her and stealing her breath, just not the way she would have liked it. She smiled for him, helplessly aware of the muscles starting to move and the ache of the same when she had to hold that smile for ten seconds. She had to be happy, but just the way he liked it. She now had acquired a new skill, that she had never before thought of as a life skill. She now knew how to act. 

Fear had incarcerated her ability to talk. She met her family. They all lived in the same city. They loved her. She knew they loved her. They would do anything humanly possible and within and beyond their means to make her happy. But, she didn't talk. She was afraid to talk to them. Ashamed and regretting the choices she made, she maintained a stoic silence. The charade was slowly turning into an alternate reality. Often had her wondering if she was suffering from Multiple Personalities Disorder (MPD). But, it wasn't going to be that easy for her. She was conscious and alert at all times living her double life. She didn't even have the comfort of blanking out that MPD would have had to offer. 

Defeated, hopeless with an absolute absence of a sense of self worth, she now believes that she is where she is, that she is with whom she is because she deserves it. She does not know how to love herself, or more importantly, does not recognize the fact that it is A- O.K. to love oneself. She is who she is because of this man who is currently in her life. Afraid if he leaves her she is going to be another piece of furniture. Afraid if he leaves, she will be living a void and not a life. Has chosen to have this drama in what she calls her life instead having to face the world, start all over again and pretend to enjoy a semblance of a normal life that is as alien to her as this man loving her for who she is.

I am writing this, to let her and all the other women out there in the same dreary passive place know that, life can never metamorphosize into being a void.  You are responsible for you. Take responsibility. Decision making is never easy, even more so now. But making that decision where you put yourself before 'him,' you will realize later would be the best decision you have ever made in your life. This isn't any self help advice. You will appreciate that decision of yours when you start living life all over again. It isn't wrong to love yourself. Start Loving YOU. Living life happy isn't a crime. Start Smiling, Giggling and Laughing TODAY. 

Be easy on yourself. There are very many of us for you. I am here for you. Ready to listen if you are ready to talk! Take Care (:

HEart- Breaker :) - Part Two

HE 2: When someone tells you not to ask for trouble, L I S T E N!!! Oh, if only I had listened. Seems like am destined to learn life lessons the hard way- the one and only way that works for me. So 'He're's my second-He. 


An ex of a dear friend. That was the first clue thrown at me by the cosmos to stay the h**l away. But, yours truly, is often blind and deaf and pretty much senseless in every possible way to the obvious. I was one of the few who had a cell phone all those years ago. Thought twas a blessing then. The thinking has changed since. I messaged him. I proposed a naive and immature treaty of flirting, asking for his consent. Consent, that I did get without a hitch, but of course. And This, began one of the most memorable and life altering experiences that I have ever had in this tiny life of mine so far.


Nine months. How poetic and ironic! That's how long 'it' went on. Two different cities. Long distance calls and messages. I don't know what to call what we shared. 'It' has no name. Not a relationship, not a fling. To me it wasn't a crush, never felt an infatuation. I would like to believe it was love, but was it? Today, I don't know. I was young. Feels like an excuse today. I am a woman! I should have listened to my instincts. But then again, I am a woman. I had been waiting for my tall, dark and handsome 'knight in shining armor' to come riding gallantly into my life and sweep me off my feet. So I fell in love with a faceless man, waited every night (the only 'k'night I was going to get) for his calls or messages, who never came riding yet torpedoed into my life, swept me off my feet and let go, having me fall as gracefully as I could on my larger than life derrière. 


The natural padding didn't help, after all. 


He came finally to my city. We met for 15 minutes, I guess. There were promises made of another meeting but of course I knew it never was going to happen. He left without a word. My battle of the bulge won. He didn't like what he saw.  I cannot think of any other reason for his sudden change in attitude and behavior. 


I, was looking for love. He, was bored and wanted to have some fun. Guess we were looking for different things in life, from life. I am not angry anymore. I was hurt and upset, close to five years. Today, I know I had asked for 'it.' My heart got broken. For the first time in my life, I was starkly reminded of its presence. He taught me though how much I could love, adore someone. How I could make my life about someone and live for someone. He also taught me though, that I should be wise in choosing that someone. Should thank him when I meet him for that.
He is a bitter sweet memory, who is fast fading into a hazy cerebral silhouette.