I have eclipsed me.
I have eclipsed me into a different and a new being, someone who makes it very difficult to recognize and relate either to the old me or the new me. It is exasperating, when you are lost at some given point in time of your life, but treacherously so, when you lose a part of who you are. That sense of loss is abysmal.
A vivid blur is all that I see around me. Something comprehensible, something I just might understand yet elusive. A Pandora's box seems more appealing in comparison to these garbled oxymorons in my head. I try to sit back, take in a deep breath and try to retrace my steps, go back in time to find that moment when the transition occurred. I don't and can't find that moment. Even that is lost to me.
Instead I come to Now, with a renewed and emphasized sense of being lost, gulping for some air. I realize that am choking in my attempt to stick around by gulping too much too fast and I know I need to stop Now. I've almost stopped it.
I realize now that the more I try to locate the old me or define the new me, grayer is the hue turning out to be, the hue around me. There is someone I hold in high regard, who believes that we have only white or black in life. I always insist that there is also a gray out there.
So involved did I get, but, in trying to locate the gray that today I am responsible for having created various hues of gray. They have now inter-woven themselves to form a dreary and heavy and smoky blanket that weighs light yet heavily on me.
I don't like its feel nor its smell nor the way it looks. I like nothing about it, yet I created it.
Moments of enlightenment come and go like shards piercing my gray smoky blanket, allowing me pin pricks of light. But the blanket weaves itself back to place.
Yet, I like gray!
I now need to change, rather I need to now amalgamate all these hues of gray into a uniform one and hope to lighten that with some white <3
