Grayed Enlightenment!!!

I have eclipsed me.

I have eclipsed me into a different and a new being, someone who makes it very difficult to recognize and relate either to the old me or the new me. It is exasperating, when you are lost at some given point in time of your life, but treacherously so, when you lose a part of who you are. That sense of loss is abysmal.

A vivid blur is all that I see around me. Something comprehensible, something I just might understand yet elusive. A Pandora's box seems more appealing in comparison to these garbled oxymorons in my head. I try to sit back, take in a deep breath and try to retrace my steps, go back in time to find that moment when the transition occurred. I don't and can't find that moment. Even that is lost to me.

Instead I come to Now, with a renewed and emphasized sense of being lost, gulping for some air. I realize that am choking in my attempt to stick around by gulping too much too fast and I know I need to stop Now. I've almost stopped it.

I realize now that the more I try to locate the old me or define the new me, grayer is the hue turning out to be, the hue around me. There is someone I hold in high regard, who believes that we have only white or black in life. I always insist that there is also a gray out there.

So involved did I get, but, in trying to locate the gray that today I am responsible for having created various hues of gray. They have now inter-woven themselves to form a dreary and heavy and smoky blanket that weighs light yet heavily on me.

I don't like its feel nor its smell nor the way it looks. I like nothing about it, yet I created it.

Moments of enlightenment come and go like shards piercing my gray smoky blanket, allowing me pin pricks of light. But the blanket weaves itself back to place.

Yet, I like gray!

I now need to change, rather I need to now amalgamate all these hues of gray into a uniform one and hope to lighten that with some white <3

Wish I had the Yoville life!!!

Warning: you don't want to read what's written below. It's me venting and to a large extent I don't make much sense to myself. Please be warned to skip this post.
Every time I wanna write something here I just end up all low and depressed. I dunno if I want to write because am low and depressed or am low and depressed because I wanna write...Quit thinking about what could it possibly be...when something that has always been your warm comfortable blanket becomes your primary source of discomfort, what do you do?how is one supposed to see this transition coming?I sure as hell didn't see it coming...buddies of mine keep telling me about their love lives trusting me to give them sensible and good advice, and knock wood, I have so far...I just dunno what has gone wrong with me instead...it sure is bloody difficult to follow your own advice isn't it?at 25 I never thought I would be this SINGLE...it feels that way in so many many ways...and up until now I had myself convinced that it was the best...I did what I did, I went where I wanted to, I wore what I wanted to wear, I looked the way I wanted to look...but now it doesn't seem to be enough...I still wanna do all of the above..but the joy and sense of independence and the satisfaction and the kick I get from being myself, I wanna share all this with someone...I do accept that the word commitment will have me running in the opposite direction as fast as my legs can carry...but I wonder where would that one man be who would make me want to legally add 'commitment' as my middle name...is it putting too much pressure on the guy?I dunno...but I also know that the pressure here wouldn't be any less...I would have to get used to a long term arrangement which by no means is an easy feat to achieve...I would like to be loved like I see others are being loved...I would liked to be taken care of the way others are being taken care of...I would like to light a spark in some one's eyes the way others' light...I don't think I am as brave as I think I am or maybe just this moment as am writing am having one of those vulnerable moments...sometimes it feels so wrong that I have to always work real hard to get something while the going is a lil easy on a few others but there are those times as well when I know that I have a good night's peaceful sleep knowing jolly well I deserve every atom and molecule of what I have and I have earned...am I envious of anyone as am writing this post?maybe zillions of people...but its a healthy envy as now it will get me striving all the more to achieve that one thing that I think of most of the times these days...
Will continue the rant in due course..hope you aren't reading this now :)

CONFUZD ME...

i so badly wanted to write something...but now as i rest my hands on the keyboard i seem to be suffering from some kind of phantom paralysis...i hate deadlines...be it work or ma life...and right now am facing the worst deadline of ma life ever...no one should give you such deadlines, especially not one or both of your parents...rather than working towards completing the task on hand to meet the deadline all i can think of is an apartment of my own, space that i call my own, a daschund that's running around mad, a kitchen stocked up with easy to prepare food, an audio system that beats the Bose sound quality with my all time favorites playing, a paranormal thriller in my hand accompanied by a steaming cup of my favorite 'water coffee' and me in my favorite place all snuggled up basking in the glory of my independent state of being...i have left ten months pass by and now i am fretting over a deadline as i am left with just two months...but i suppose i don't have to worry about it as it may not be that serious a deadline after all...but with your folks one never knows...i don't know and right now the mere act of reflecting the deadline in words has rendered me linguistically challenged...
guess this is to be continued

disjointed beginnings and endings

its been ages since i wrote..its been ages since i wanted to write...rain slashing against the window panes...soulful tamizh music...the tree swishing and swashing with a hiss...comforting cool breeze mixed with the smell of mud post first showers...Reeses and after an episode of Boston Legal am unable to wipe out the smile off my face...for once it feels like it is where it rightfully belongs...thoughts on a roller coaster ride but none that holds ma attention beyond 3 seconds...work that has me frustrated at times but mostly thankful...a new city that gets me sick all the time but fills me up with positive energy...27 Dresses that has me wishing for a Christian boyfriend (preferably someone who can sing Bennie and the Jets) to just enjoy the wedding day...the very word wedding that drives me to hysterics...beginning to stop searching for love and actually loving myself a little more each day...the smile gets bigger...wanting to watch movies but lazy to make time...all that's missing right now is a cup of hot MADRAS FILTER COFFEE :)

i love my life this moment..NOW..'knock wood'

doodles noodles

its been a warm and sultry stay so far...the beaches hold such promise and temptation..hope with trepidation...it all feels eerily dream like...yet somewhere in the abyss of my head i know this is no dream...i have finally moved out of that one city where i lived the past nine years and couldn't wait to get out of in the recent past...now though the shift has happened its bittersweet...i have finally understood the sense of being settled by unsettling myself...ironic but i have come to believe that there would have been no other way for me to realize what i have right now...i am out of place, most definitely, but surprisingly i am still me...i went ahead and bought a pair of bathroom slippers and another to be worn at home from Bata...not that big a deal if you just skip the bit where i forgot to metion that both the pairs are meant for men...i just think shoemakers are oh-so-not-considerate when it comes to women's footwear...so narrow and bloody shitty painful...and it all sells in the name of fashion...or maybe God made a small mistake while sending me 'downstairs' that i got the wrong body...i have no idea and considering the fact that dwelling on this matter would only make ma issues worse am not even going there...buddha bar's dejavu surprisingly does exactly the opposite of what it calls itself...there is no sense of oh i already knew this instead this weird kind of happiness and excitement that there is something good out there waitng for me to come and get it...after a really really long time i have started taking interest in the opposite sex...but the desired reaction/result is quite the opposite i must say...been so long been outta practice...but yea hopefully shall be back in the dating arena soon...a new city though it is the place of my birth...two things can happen to one in such a scenario...either the new city excites and inspires you enough to go and explore it or you have left such a great group of friends and family back home (the city you have come to know as your home) and this one dulls in comparison...i just wish i get the dough soon enough to go with the first option...but how does one make new friends?i have always sucked at it...challenges and more challenges...but none i think i like...and as usual am sure i have written something that might never make much sense to me either...but its fun...the fewer the readers happier is this confuzd jughead folks!!!!hasta luega mi amores

doodling around some nonsense

its the last day of the month of February...just done with my previous job and into another...finally what i have always wanted is going to happen...am moving outta the city again...after almost 9 long years...as am writing am pissed, confused, elated, hopeful, skeptical, hopeful, dubious, worried, relieved, filled with anticipation but also with dread at the thought of meeting the whole jing bang crowd that is my family after years and years and also painfully confused and lost about an issue that i am not yet ready to discuss on worldwide web...it of course has to be about a man...now can i help that?and as am writing this, trying to think what would Carrie Bradshaw be writing if she were to be in my position?i think this definitely is a sign that i stop watching SATC...but there is such a bon homie feeling when i watch the show...
i am so pissed right now i don't think i should be writing any further..and so damn glad there aren't many readers who visit my blog...what a blessing in disguise...
just wish that there was something like a 'Slap Bar' or a 'Kick Bar' where one could go and slap and kick other people employed by the bar to vent their frustrations...this would also ensure the lack of a hangover the next morning...i think its the perfect idea to vent one's anger and frustration...and i seem to be fond of repeating myself...'the' sign of being a woman i guess...man i so need one such bar soooooooo badly right now, wish it really and actually existed :(
by the way the one or two of you who read this post ensure not to copy my idea of a slap or a kick bar/lounge coz its MINE :)copy wright's with me...swalpa understand maadi!!!

Lucy in the sky with diamonds Can’t Buy Love and I’m the Walrus

KATE AND LEOPOLD AND MY FAIRY TALE

Was written on 4th Night and is being published on the 5th...i have no idea why it has two titles but it has!!!

Kate and Leopold…love defying all time periods yet accessible only in the world of the celluloid…I knew as I was watching the movie I had to write something…even if only ‘I love you’ addressed to me…I want to be in love…but thankfully I have fallen out of the phase where one tends to fall in love with the idea of being in love and lose out on a man thereby…it all seems so effortless in that world…there are time portals, a handsome man like Hugh Jackman and a character that remains just that ‘a character’ in the world of today…a man that chivalrous, hand written notes, a thoughtful homemade dinner on the terrace, a ride around the city in a chariot and a man keen on expressing his intentions to his woman before he goes any further with her…wonder if such men are limited to the world of ‘happily ever afters’ or else in the world of make believe…yet am hopeful…body tingling with anticipation at the thought of meeting one such wonderful man…a mind so playful that it keeps dangling that oh-so-yummy carrot every time I get cynical about love or relationships…a dream that keeps playing hide and seek with me that sometimes I get so infuriated that I choose to be awake in my dreams…where have those men gone who kiss you on your forehead to tell you they care, hold your hands even when you are sitting down to let you know they are there to support you or who break dishes in the kitchen while they try lending you a hand…why do I come across such men only in Mills and Boon or on television? They don’t ‘make love’ to you no more…they don’t know something called ‘sweet nothings’ ever existed or if they chose to, could still exist…

Why has it become so difficult for women to be in relationships in today’s world? financially secure, emotionally secure to a large extent and a sense of independence and individuality so strong that it never goes unnoticed…today time is spent more in shopping and in grooming than in actually spending some fun valuable time with your man…love is mechanical and funny I have to write about this with Valentine’s Day playing peek-a-boo ‘round the corner…but I also would like to promise myself that I shall lower my guard a wee bit…I owe this to myself and the charming tall dark and handsome man of my dreams who just might take pity on me and walk right in front of me…saucer like eyes I have and yet am so blind to such things in life…alas! if only I could open my heart wide like my eyes…

just to have some fun but also try and make a guess at how my modern day knight in shining armor or should we change that to my modern day knight in shining amor would be this is what popped in my head…sure feels like my head is a human version of the electronic microwave with all these thoughts popping up as and when they please like butter popcorn…

This is how he will be…Tall- would in all probabilities be an athlete or a basketball player or someone related to sports…and to think I hate sports…Dark- the men I see around who are as dark as I would like them to be are the auto drivers or my students and since I never date any of my students as a principle, leaves me with the auto drivers and guess it might be practical after all…imagine all the free transport I get...Handsome-now this is a mandate that can never be fulfilled coz for some reason today’s manufactured men are all cute or beautiful…Charming, Chivalry and Courteous are words unknown to men of this day and age unless they are 30+ old men wanting to get laid…yikes!!!not an appealing option…

So this is what I am gonna do now…I shall slip into the world of make believe within my personal biological microwave…cook up my very own customized fairy tale and start living a life of happily ever after…

Lucy in the sky with diamonds Can’t Buy Love and therefore I’m the Walrus J

Nitey nite dahlings…