recipe for my 'love'ly day :)

love me today or else we have to wait another year. its just one day you have, to show me how much you love me. sure seems challenging, but i give you my word that saying the first hi and the first hi's that follow to initiate conversations are always the most difficult. 

starting the day by wishing me happy valentine's day is a bad bad idea. poor saints valentines. yea!you read that right. there were very many saints with that name and if you must know, for the longest time the word valentine and romance/love were not even related. i suppose you do take yourself seriously and your life means something to you right? then, don't get me anything that is red in color or even resembles the shape of a heart. hearts don't look like that and red to me is the color of danger. wonder why would you then try and express your love to me being dangerous and that too in a phantom shape of what is supposed to be your heart.

now, love songs, that's a very tricky bit. songs are beautiful and some love songs are so beautiful and soulful. but most are to be trashed. so sugary sweet and gooey i want to just sit under the shower and never step out. so, if a love song is easily found or if it is liked by very many people on youtube, i am most probably never ever going to like it.

chocolates! almost always find them sinfully delicious. yet, somehow on this day i find them choking my food pipe with chunky pieces clogging inside and greasily and mushily (yuck) slithering down. there are chocolates that do taste like divine treats and if you aren't aware of what am referring to, refrain!

way too many don'ts eh? lets try a few do's then. for starters, let me sleep well into the morning and i will let you snore. it’s a deal. to do that everyday would be perfect, but am ready to compromise to three mornings a week. lets cook up a meal and a colorful spicy chaos in the kitchen. if i burn food eat with a smile on your face. if you add an extra pinch of salt i shall still eat it with relish. 

lets put our legs up and try to intertwine our toes. relax. read a book or take random pictures of the house and what's outside or play a game of snakes and ladders or just catch a movie, at home though. and then we shall have a conversation and by that i mean a real one, even if it means we seriously talk to my alter ego. you will meet her when you meet her. she can be a lot of fun.

listen to some music, music we both love and share a goofy dance. we can then have friends over, drink, play music, play games and eat a lot of barbecued food.

once we are done cleaning up the place, we shall call it a day and retire to our 'champagne cave' for a night of 'stuporous' calm. 

A love-ly day it has been.

A whimsical expression of a very serious thought!

Dear God,


Epadi da irukai? Considering we have been friends I guess am allowed to ask you at least this much. Friendship we have going no. Busy as hell aa? Ok, that sounds wrong here. Anyway I suppose your plate is full and you are indeed handling cosmos-altering problems. I really don't want to add another teeny weeny burden to your already busy schedule, but I had no one else to go to. You know that of course :) That's my smile for you da if you're wondering what am doing with these punctuation symbols .


Not wasting any more divine moments, please find below the only two needs of my current existence. Let me know your thoughts on the same.

• Need a decent, single, secure, straight, well settled and an ugly cute man for a partner. I kindly request you to pay attention to every single word afore mentioned, but do stress on two of them- single and straight. I have also heard that I am required to be highly specific about what I want and need out of this universe. I am going to try and be as specific as possible, probably just miss out on the name.  

1. Height: 5ft 10in - 6ft 3inch (please no shorter or no taller)
2. Weight: Healthy normal weight (yet to decide on a number as not only the height but also other things like bone weight have to be taken into consideration.)
3. Age: 28- 37 (older the better, considering most are like wine)
4. Color: Dark preferably more on the darkest side (racist I am, not)
5. Humour: Must have and not restricted to gastric, restroom or sex dependency.
6. Languages Known: English, Tamizh and preferably Spanish.
7. Sense of Style: Boho not Chic(you see he would be gay then), crisp designer formals(designer because I know then I can get my Hermes bag), casual wannabe hip hopper also allowed (ensure not a desperate wannabe though, as I would personally burn the clothes), and any other aberration or slick choice shall be dealt with.
8. Gustatory Preferences: Tasty, Decent Cuisines that do not include dishes made of, rotten shark, or a crocodile, or a horse, or a tiger's testicles (referring to the balls), or a goat's eyes or any other such random organ of a seemingly innocent living being, in their menus.
9. Bank Account: Just about enough to have a Swiss Account. (ya know what I mean ;)
10. Career Preferences: Anything legal yet pays enough to allow me to jump onto the lap of luxury with no option but to stay there lifelong.

I guess there must be other details to add, but I don't want you mistaking me to be a greedy soul. Will wait for you to send the first batch, and depending on quality, the kind of manufacturing and expiry date, I shall elaborate on the above. Be rest assured that I am being quite serious here. Do make a note of it if necessary.

Coming to my second need,

• This is something you ought to have blessed me with a while ago. I need to open my boutique. I apparently need the money to do so (and by the looks of it might have to pay myself to even think in the direction of opening a boutique). You know that. I don't want it to be too big but I am not keen on stitching 'Jockets' and 'Selwars (Kameez is implied)' or 'Chaddis' for people. If my designs are worn by 50% Bollywood+50% Hollywood, I don't mind stitching the afore mentioned. I would like my store to resonate me in every nook and corner. I wish I could share a lot more with you about my ideas, but considering I am using a social forum trying to reach you and also considering you have, in distraction created certain defect pieces (read hackers), I am certain you understand why I won't be divulging any more details. If truly interested to help this mere mortal, I suggest you show me a sign. I will then post a hand- written letter (definitely subject to you giving me your postal address along with the sign).

Look forward to hearing from you or rather shall we say seeing you in the actions you perform to keep this mere mortal aka your favorite child happy.

Wishing, Hoping, Knowing and Waiting

Lots Many Love

CJ (my intellectual name this is by the bye ;)

a ghost of a friendship that was!!!

conversations with no beginning and never ending.
humor endearing although exasperating.
you drove me nuts but i didn't seem to mind.
hadn't realized we had stuck up a friendship of sorts.
ghost of a friendship one might want to call it..
never met, but conversations many we had
laughs, thoughts, opinions and music!
we shared all that and our time together.
friends, i thought we had become.
and suddenly everything went undone.
conversations and laughs were replaced by silence.
the company i had come to enjoy suddenly ceased to exist.
my existence was acknowledged no more.
wondered if i had done or said anything wrong.
retrospection leading me nowhere.
often thought of mailing or pinging you.
fear compromising my spurt of courage.
i am not sure if  we will be friendly again.
i am not sure if you even give me a thought.
you weren't and maybe aren't perfect,
yet, I miss you!

A little thank you to her- my bumchum!!!

an elegant smile here and a pout there.
she is a woman now and in an instant she becomes the child.
confusion being a constant state of her being,
yet the clarity of her thoughts catching you unawares 
when you least expect, bringing a slow growing smile on your face,
relaxing those taut facial muscles,
so warm with affection like hot chocolate on a cold winter evening,
it is but impossible to not get addicted to her.
she is the perfect comfort food when you need some,
yet you can't take her for granted!
has me wondering sometimes if she is an empath
understanding people and situations with an emotional depth that's rare to come by.
unassumingly hilarious to the point of giving all a tummy ache,
a gifted cook when it comes to her three standard dishes,
earnest about her feelings and who she is,
easily susceptible to being in love,
angry as she smiles,
sane in her insanity,
she is
sometimes a sister,
sometimes a mother,
sometimes a teacher,
but always a friend.
Thank you!

Shy moments of Clarity :)

i always feared loneliness and kept preparing myself for the 'D' day when i would find myself devoid of any thought and utterly lonely.and here i am today, having realized that when i have been lonely in the past, loneliness was my constant companion. but when i have been alone, i have been just that... alone!

i kept chasing one big dream of mine. and one day i woke. woke up because i realized that i had quit dreaming altogether. it is indeed time to start dreaming again as well as chase that big dream of mine.

i used to think when  lines start blurring , the other in the equation would draw them back or would be used to the lines by now... that's wrong i discovered! it's my responsibility to ME to draw those lines again and to not lose sight of what I want out of that relationship.

i know my kaya and moksh will not be my flesh and blood. but they are my life and soul can't wait to bring them home :)

a day to remember!

I was 'queerish' with all the excitement and colors that went swirling round me again and again last afternoon. With the secure comfort of my camera I hesitantly started clicking my pictures worried sick how they might turn out to be. Guess the fear came from that pocket of my being that wanted me to be a 'photographer.' The pocket does not exist anymore!
I am no 'photographer.' 
I am a 'thief who hunts.' I stole and captured moments. I froze emotions and kept them with me. I picked and collected colors slyly hiding them in my digital basket. Flipping through my bounty made me realize how a pinch of pure joy and a dash of unabashed excitement at that right moment helped create a memory that's distinctly etched in my mind. A memory that has miraculously managed to make me grin ear to ear literally. 
I walked. I danced. I laughed. I hugged. I drank. I ate. and I clicked myself to delirious joy in 'gay abandon.'

Wishes =/= Horses or maybe Wishes == Horses

Wishes sometimes do seem to be horses
although an ordinary beggar like myself would  love to ride
ride far away from all of this confusion
sadness i know i can cry
happiness i know i can laugh
anger i know i can yell
jealousy i know i can sulk
confusion i know not how to react
a void filled emotion is not something i think i handle well
yet it fills my head
occupies all of my time
days of frolic and carefree abandon lost
so far scattered opinions colliding to create friction
Wish i could ride away from it all
old times' sake blackmails me into stalling
yet does not stop me from wondering what next
where to from here
does the journey continue or does it flow into ambiguity?
anybody?