HEart- Breaker :) - Part Two

HE 2: When someone tells you not to ask for trouble, L I S T E N!!! Oh, if only I had listened. Seems like am destined to learn life lessons the hard way- the one and only way that works for me. So 'He're's my second-He. 


An ex of a dear friend. That was the first clue thrown at me by the cosmos to stay the h**l away. But, yours truly, is often blind and deaf and pretty much senseless in every possible way to the obvious. I was one of the few who had a cell phone all those years ago. Thought twas a blessing then. The thinking has changed since. I messaged him. I proposed a naive and immature treaty of flirting, asking for his consent. Consent, that I did get without a hitch, but of course. And This, began one of the most memorable and life altering experiences that I have ever had in this tiny life of mine so far.


Nine months. How poetic and ironic! That's how long 'it' went on. Two different cities. Long distance calls and messages. I don't know what to call what we shared. 'It' has no name. Not a relationship, not a fling. To me it wasn't a crush, never felt an infatuation. I would like to believe it was love, but was it? Today, I don't know. I was young. Feels like an excuse today. I am a woman! I should have listened to my instincts. But then again, I am a woman. I had been waiting for my tall, dark and handsome 'knight in shining armor' to come riding gallantly into my life and sweep me off my feet. So I fell in love with a faceless man, waited every night (the only 'k'night I was going to get) for his calls or messages, who never came riding yet torpedoed into my life, swept me off my feet and let go, having me fall as gracefully as I could on my larger than life derrière. 


The natural padding didn't help, after all. 


He came finally to my city. We met for 15 minutes, I guess. There were promises made of another meeting but of course I knew it never was going to happen. He left without a word. My battle of the bulge won. He didn't like what he saw.  I cannot think of any other reason for his sudden change in attitude and behavior. 


I, was looking for love. He, was bored and wanted to have some fun. Guess we were looking for different things in life, from life. I am not angry anymore. I was hurt and upset, close to five years. Today, I know I had asked for 'it.' My heart got broken. For the first time in my life, I was starkly reminded of its presence. He taught me though how much I could love, adore someone. How I could make my life about someone and live for someone. He also taught me though, that I should be wise in choosing that someone. Should thank him when I meet him for that.
He is a bitter sweet memory, who is fast fading into a hazy cerebral silhouette. 

'HE're are my stories- Part One

The He-s of my life (no familial references :-) : A project that shall come into life in parts, is special in very many ways to me. Might not make much sense, but its still a tribute to all the He-s nevertheless.

HE 1: Has me wondering ... where the f**k is he now? What a mad rush those three days of knowing him gave me. A complete stranger. Fellow countryman from a foreign country. Tall, wheatish and cute. So not my idea of the perfect one.


Sensed him even before laid my eyes on him. His breath teasing my forehead as he bent, to ask me if all concerts in India were that bad in his quasi British accent. The random chap stopped being random within 5 minutes. A merry (or mary) columbus and a giantwheel spin followed by dropping him off in the middle of somewhere, a date was fixed. Date happened and so did the disappearing act.


The date, today I know, was a catastrophe. Hindsight sure knows how to kick your rear end mercilessly :). Date happened alongwith my entourage of girls who did nothing to hide their enthusiasm in 'perusing' him. Then the two of us started walking aimlessly on the streets of the city, doing those very things I deemed below me.  Don't let those creative juices flow folks. What I mean is we were wandering aimlessly, coyly holding hands and smiling and giggling at really blah stuff and pretty much being the corniest people. Post coffee and an interesting conversation, it was time for me to leave. Promises were made, yet a sense that these were hanging promises never left me. These weren't grounded substantial promises made. They were as flighty and new as the man himself. Haven't met him since. Been 8- 9 years. Yet a smile always tickles my face when I think of him.


He was my first mills & boon man. And he always will be. The first man to make me feel divinely beautiful and gorgeously feminine. Will always be thankful for that. No anger, No regrets. Will do it all over again if I had to, but this time will jot down his name so I won't forget.


(:

H O P E, should she?

opinions hurled, becoming arguments.

'listen' being the chosen word, 

chosen though by pairs of deaf ears.

if not, why didn't they hear?

a muffled moan...

a cry worn down by anguish...

a silence made deafening by the pain that caused it...

she tried hard to communicate.

yet, she was falling short somewhere.

and then, she fell into an abyss,

a dark narrow abyss that went on and on.

an abyss of, hurt, misunderstanding, impatience...

of so many sad things, simply.

she wasn't ready.

they must know it, 

yet they didn't.

quit floating further into the abyss, you little idiot!

she chided herself.

start flying.

soar above and beyond the abyss.

show them how you fly.

they'll understand.

bereft of any strength or inclination to make her voice heard,

that is also she is left with now...

Hope!

recipe for my 'love'ly day :)

love me today or else we have to wait another year. its just one day you have, to show me how much you love me. sure seems challenging, but i give you my word that saying the first hi and the first hi's that follow to initiate conversations are always the most difficult. 

starting the day by wishing me happy valentine's day is a bad bad idea. poor saints valentines. yea!you read that right. there were very many saints with that name and if you must know, for the longest time the word valentine and romance/love were not even related. i suppose you do take yourself seriously and your life means something to you right? then, don't get me anything that is red in color or even resembles the shape of a heart. hearts don't look like that and red to me is the color of danger. wonder why would you then try and express your love to me being dangerous and that too in a phantom shape of what is supposed to be your heart.

now, love songs, that's a very tricky bit. songs are beautiful and some love songs are so beautiful and soulful. but most are to be trashed. so sugary sweet and gooey i want to just sit under the shower and never step out. so, if a love song is easily found or if it is liked by very many people on youtube, i am most probably never ever going to like it.

chocolates! almost always find them sinfully delicious. yet, somehow on this day i find them choking my food pipe with chunky pieces clogging inside and greasily and mushily (yuck) slithering down. there are chocolates that do taste like divine treats and if you aren't aware of what am referring to, refrain!

way too many don'ts eh? lets try a few do's then. for starters, let me sleep well into the morning and i will let you snore. it’s a deal. to do that everyday would be perfect, but am ready to compromise to three mornings a week. lets cook up a meal and a colorful spicy chaos in the kitchen. if i burn food eat with a smile on your face. if you add an extra pinch of salt i shall still eat it with relish. 

lets put our legs up and try to intertwine our toes. relax. read a book or take random pictures of the house and what's outside or play a game of snakes and ladders or just catch a movie, at home though. and then we shall have a conversation and by that i mean a real one, even if it means we seriously talk to my alter ego. you will meet her when you meet her. she can be a lot of fun.

listen to some music, music we both love and share a goofy dance. we can then have friends over, drink, play music, play games and eat a lot of barbecued food.

once we are done cleaning up the place, we shall call it a day and retire to our 'champagne cave' for a night of 'stuporous' calm. 

A love-ly day it has been.

A whimsical expression of a very serious thought!

Dear God,


Epadi da irukai? Considering we have been friends I guess am allowed to ask you at least this much. Friendship we have going no. Busy as hell aa? Ok, that sounds wrong here. Anyway I suppose your plate is full and you are indeed handling cosmos-altering problems. I really don't want to add another teeny weeny burden to your already busy schedule, but I had no one else to go to. You know that of course :) That's my smile for you da if you're wondering what am doing with these punctuation symbols .


Not wasting any more divine moments, please find below the only two needs of my current existence. Let me know your thoughts on the same.

• Need a decent, single, secure, straight, well settled and an ugly cute man for a partner. I kindly request you to pay attention to every single word afore mentioned, but do stress on two of them- single and straight. I have also heard that I am required to be highly specific about what I want and need out of this universe. I am going to try and be as specific as possible, probably just miss out on the name.  

1. Height: 5ft 10in - 6ft 3inch (please no shorter or no taller)
2. Weight: Healthy normal weight (yet to decide on a number as not only the height but also other things like bone weight have to be taken into consideration.)
3. Age: 28- 37 (older the better, considering most are like wine)
4. Color: Dark preferably more on the darkest side (racist I am, not)
5. Humour: Must have and not restricted to gastric, restroom or sex dependency.
6. Languages Known: English, Tamizh and preferably Spanish.
7. Sense of Style: Boho not Chic(you see he would be gay then), crisp designer formals(designer because I know then I can get my Hermes bag), casual wannabe hip hopper also allowed (ensure not a desperate wannabe though, as I would personally burn the clothes), and any other aberration or slick choice shall be dealt with.
8. Gustatory Preferences: Tasty, Decent Cuisines that do not include dishes made of, rotten shark, or a crocodile, or a horse, or a tiger's testicles (referring to the balls), or a goat's eyes or any other such random organ of a seemingly innocent living being, in their menus.
9. Bank Account: Just about enough to have a Swiss Account. (ya know what I mean ;)
10. Career Preferences: Anything legal yet pays enough to allow me to jump onto the lap of luxury with no option but to stay there lifelong.

I guess there must be other details to add, but I don't want you mistaking me to be a greedy soul. Will wait for you to send the first batch, and depending on quality, the kind of manufacturing and expiry date, I shall elaborate on the above. Be rest assured that I am being quite serious here. Do make a note of it if necessary.

Coming to my second need,

• This is something you ought to have blessed me with a while ago. I need to open my boutique. I apparently need the money to do so (and by the looks of it might have to pay myself to even think in the direction of opening a boutique). You know that. I don't want it to be too big but I am not keen on stitching 'Jockets' and 'Selwars (Kameez is implied)' or 'Chaddis' for people. If my designs are worn by 50% Bollywood+50% Hollywood, I don't mind stitching the afore mentioned. I would like my store to resonate me in every nook and corner. I wish I could share a lot more with you about my ideas, but considering I am using a social forum trying to reach you and also considering you have, in distraction created certain defect pieces (read hackers), I am certain you understand why I won't be divulging any more details. If truly interested to help this mere mortal, I suggest you show me a sign. I will then post a hand- written letter (definitely subject to you giving me your postal address along with the sign).

Look forward to hearing from you or rather shall we say seeing you in the actions you perform to keep this mere mortal aka your favorite child happy.

Wishing, Hoping, Knowing and Waiting

Lots Many Love

CJ (my intellectual name this is by the bye ;)

a ghost of a friendship that was!!!

conversations with no beginning and never ending.
humor endearing although exasperating.
you drove me nuts but i didn't seem to mind.
hadn't realized we had stuck up a friendship of sorts.
ghost of a friendship one might want to call it..
never met, but conversations many we had
laughs, thoughts, opinions and music!
we shared all that and our time together.
friends, i thought we had become.
and suddenly everything went undone.
conversations and laughs were replaced by silence.
the company i had come to enjoy suddenly ceased to exist.
my existence was acknowledged no more.
wondered if i had done or said anything wrong.
retrospection leading me nowhere.
often thought of mailing or pinging you.
fear compromising my spurt of courage.
i am not sure if  we will be friendly again.
i am not sure if you even give me a thought.
you weren't and maybe aren't perfect,
yet, I miss you!

A little thank you to her- my bumchum!!!

an elegant smile here and a pout there.
she is a woman now and in an instant she becomes the child.
confusion being a constant state of her being,
yet the clarity of her thoughts catching you unawares 
when you least expect, bringing a slow growing smile on your face,
relaxing those taut facial muscles,
so warm with affection like hot chocolate on a cold winter evening,
it is but impossible to not get addicted to her.
she is the perfect comfort food when you need some,
yet you can't take her for granted!
has me wondering sometimes if she is an empath
understanding people and situations with an emotional depth that's rare to come by.
unassumingly hilarious to the point of giving all a tummy ache,
a gifted cook when it comes to her three standard dishes,
earnest about her feelings and who she is,
easily susceptible to being in love,
angry as she smiles,
sane in her insanity,
she is
sometimes a sister,
sometimes a mother,
sometimes a teacher,
but always a friend.
Thank you!