Just a few of my favorite things (:

the sound of a baby getting himself to giggle like there's no tomorrow,

getting precisely one note right while attempting to 'sing' my favortie song,

a sudden visual memory of a past love

my orange slush creating an unwanted but nevertheless a funnily pleasuarable brain freeze  

cancellation of the conference call by my client leaving me cluelessly free for an evening

an old dress fitting me like second skin

waking up to a tranquil dawn before the alarm goes off

a sip of water gushing down my parched throat

a sly infectious and gregarious smile creeping into my face making others smile

an indulgent yawn accompanied by a lazy stretch on a rainy morning

These are indeed a few of my favorite things!!!

Start Living for Y O U!!!

It's so dark. She is alone. She is afraid of this darkness. It had started with the lights dimming. Slowly the cold blanket of darkness crept its way around and all over her and turned her painlessly blind. She tried to shout out for help. Fear got first to her vocal chords, holding them tight together. It didn't even allow a whimper to escape. She tried to cry the pain out. Nothing happened. He had ensured that she was dehydrated of that emotion. She felt it all the time. Fear was now her constant menacing companion. 

She was slowly suffocating in it. She knew the darkness not only absorbed and stole her vision, but it was slowly absorbing all the oxygen around her and stealing her breath, just not the way she would have liked it. She smiled for him, helplessly aware of the muscles starting to move and the ache of the same when she had to hold that smile for ten seconds. She had to be happy, but just the way he liked it. She now had acquired a new skill, that she had never before thought of as a life skill. She now knew how to act. 

Fear had incarcerated her ability to talk. She met her family. They all lived in the same city. They loved her. She knew they loved her. They would do anything humanly possible and within and beyond their means to make her happy. But, she didn't talk. She was afraid to talk to them. Ashamed and regretting the choices she made, she maintained a stoic silence. The charade was slowly turning into an alternate reality. Often had her wondering if she was suffering from Multiple Personalities Disorder (MPD). But, it wasn't going to be that easy for her. She was conscious and alert at all times living her double life. She didn't even have the comfort of blanking out that MPD would have had to offer. 

Defeated, hopeless with an absolute absence of a sense of self worth, she now believes that she is where she is, that she is with whom she is because she deserves it. She does not know how to love herself, or more importantly, does not recognize the fact that it is A- O.K. to love oneself. She is who she is because of this man who is currently in her life. Afraid if he leaves her she is going to be another piece of furniture. Afraid if he leaves, she will be living a void and not a life. Has chosen to have this drama in what she calls her life instead having to face the world, start all over again and pretend to enjoy a semblance of a normal life that is as alien to her as this man loving her for who she is.

I am writing this, to let her and all the other women out there in the same dreary passive place know that, life can never metamorphosize into being a void.  You are responsible for you. Take responsibility. Decision making is never easy, even more so now. But making that decision where you put yourself before 'him,' you will realize later would be the best decision you have ever made in your life. This isn't any self help advice. You will appreciate that decision of yours when you start living life all over again. It isn't wrong to love yourself. Start Loving YOU. Living life happy isn't a crime. Start Smiling, Giggling and Laughing TODAY. 

Be easy on yourself. There are very many of us for you. I am here for you. Ready to listen if you are ready to talk! Take Care (:

HEart- Breaker :) - Part Two

HE 2: When someone tells you not to ask for trouble, L I S T E N!!! Oh, if only I had listened. Seems like am destined to learn life lessons the hard way- the one and only way that works for me. So 'He're's my second-He. 


An ex of a dear friend. That was the first clue thrown at me by the cosmos to stay the h**l away. But, yours truly, is often blind and deaf and pretty much senseless in every possible way to the obvious. I was one of the few who had a cell phone all those years ago. Thought twas a blessing then. The thinking has changed since. I messaged him. I proposed a naive and immature treaty of flirting, asking for his consent. Consent, that I did get without a hitch, but of course. And This, began one of the most memorable and life altering experiences that I have ever had in this tiny life of mine so far.


Nine months. How poetic and ironic! That's how long 'it' went on. Two different cities. Long distance calls and messages. I don't know what to call what we shared. 'It' has no name. Not a relationship, not a fling. To me it wasn't a crush, never felt an infatuation. I would like to believe it was love, but was it? Today, I don't know. I was young. Feels like an excuse today. I am a woman! I should have listened to my instincts. But then again, I am a woman. I had been waiting for my tall, dark and handsome 'knight in shining armor' to come riding gallantly into my life and sweep me off my feet. So I fell in love with a faceless man, waited every night (the only 'k'night I was going to get) for his calls or messages, who never came riding yet torpedoed into my life, swept me off my feet and let go, having me fall as gracefully as I could on my larger than life derrière. 


The natural padding didn't help, after all. 


He came finally to my city. We met for 15 minutes, I guess. There were promises made of another meeting but of course I knew it never was going to happen. He left without a word. My battle of the bulge won. He didn't like what he saw.  I cannot think of any other reason for his sudden change in attitude and behavior. 


I, was looking for love. He, was bored and wanted to have some fun. Guess we were looking for different things in life, from life. I am not angry anymore. I was hurt and upset, close to five years. Today, I know I had asked for 'it.' My heart got broken. For the first time in my life, I was starkly reminded of its presence. He taught me though how much I could love, adore someone. How I could make my life about someone and live for someone. He also taught me though, that I should be wise in choosing that someone. Should thank him when I meet him for that.
He is a bitter sweet memory, who is fast fading into a hazy cerebral silhouette. 

'HE're are my stories- Part One

The He-s of my life (no familial references :-) : A project that shall come into life in parts, is special in very many ways to me. Might not make much sense, but its still a tribute to all the He-s nevertheless.

HE 1: Has me wondering ... where the f**k is he now? What a mad rush those three days of knowing him gave me. A complete stranger. Fellow countryman from a foreign country. Tall, wheatish and cute. So not my idea of the perfect one.


Sensed him even before laid my eyes on him. His breath teasing my forehead as he bent, to ask me if all concerts in India were that bad in his quasi British accent. The random chap stopped being random within 5 minutes. A merry (or mary) columbus and a giantwheel spin followed by dropping him off in the middle of somewhere, a date was fixed. Date happened and so did the disappearing act.


The date, today I know, was a catastrophe. Hindsight sure knows how to kick your rear end mercilessly :). Date happened alongwith my entourage of girls who did nothing to hide their enthusiasm in 'perusing' him. Then the two of us started walking aimlessly on the streets of the city, doing those very things I deemed below me.  Don't let those creative juices flow folks. What I mean is we were wandering aimlessly, coyly holding hands and smiling and giggling at really blah stuff and pretty much being the corniest people. Post coffee and an interesting conversation, it was time for me to leave. Promises were made, yet a sense that these were hanging promises never left me. These weren't grounded substantial promises made. They were as flighty and new as the man himself. Haven't met him since. Been 8- 9 years. Yet a smile always tickles my face when I think of him.


He was my first mills & boon man. And he always will be. The first man to make me feel divinely beautiful and gorgeously feminine. Will always be thankful for that. No anger, No regrets. Will do it all over again if I had to, but this time will jot down his name so I won't forget.


(:

H O P E, should she?

opinions hurled, becoming arguments.

'listen' being the chosen word, 

chosen though by pairs of deaf ears.

if not, why didn't they hear?

a muffled moan...

a cry worn down by anguish...

a silence made deafening by the pain that caused it...

she tried hard to communicate.

yet, she was falling short somewhere.

and then, she fell into an abyss,

a dark narrow abyss that went on and on.

an abyss of, hurt, misunderstanding, impatience...

of so many sad things, simply.

she wasn't ready.

they must know it, 

yet they didn't.

quit floating further into the abyss, you little idiot!

she chided herself.

start flying.

soar above and beyond the abyss.

show them how you fly.

they'll understand.

bereft of any strength or inclination to make her voice heard,

that is also she is left with now...

Hope!

recipe for my 'love'ly day :)

love me today or else we have to wait another year. its just one day you have, to show me how much you love me. sure seems challenging, but i give you my word that saying the first hi and the first hi's that follow to initiate conversations are always the most difficult. 

starting the day by wishing me happy valentine's day is a bad bad idea. poor saints valentines. yea!you read that right. there were very many saints with that name and if you must know, for the longest time the word valentine and romance/love were not even related. i suppose you do take yourself seriously and your life means something to you right? then, don't get me anything that is red in color or even resembles the shape of a heart. hearts don't look like that and red to me is the color of danger. wonder why would you then try and express your love to me being dangerous and that too in a phantom shape of what is supposed to be your heart.

now, love songs, that's a very tricky bit. songs are beautiful and some love songs are so beautiful and soulful. but most are to be trashed. so sugary sweet and gooey i want to just sit under the shower and never step out. so, if a love song is easily found or if it is liked by very many people on youtube, i am most probably never ever going to like it.

chocolates! almost always find them sinfully delicious. yet, somehow on this day i find them choking my food pipe with chunky pieces clogging inside and greasily and mushily (yuck) slithering down. there are chocolates that do taste like divine treats and if you aren't aware of what am referring to, refrain!

way too many don'ts eh? lets try a few do's then. for starters, let me sleep well into the morning and i will let you snore. it’s a deal. to do that everyday would be perfect, but am ready to compromise to three mornings a week. lets cook up a meal and a colorful spicy chaos in the kitchen. if i burn food eat with a smile on your face. if you add an extra pinch of salt i shall still eat it with relish. 

lets put our legs up and try to intertwine our toes. relax. read a book or take random pictures of the house and what's outside or play a game of snakes and ladders or just catch a movie, at home though. and then we shall have a conversation and by that i mean a real one, even if it means we seriously talk to my alter ego. you will meet her when you meet her. she can be a lot of fun.

listen to some music, music we both love and share a goofy dance. we can then have friends over, drink, play music, play games and eat a lot of barbecued food.

once we are done cleaning up the place, we shall call it a day and retire to our 'champagne cave' for a night of 'stuporous' calm. 

A love-ly day it has been.

A whimsical expression of a very serious thought!

Dear God,


Epadi da irukai? Considering we have been friends I guess am allowed to ask you at least this much. Friendship we have going no. Busy as hell aa? Ok, that sounds wrong here. Anyway I suppose your plate is full and you are indeed handling cosmos-altering problems. I really don't want to add another teeny weeny burden to your already busy schedule, but I had no one else to go to. You know that of course :) That's my smile for you da if you're wondering what am doing with these punctuation symbols .


Not wasting any more divine moments, please find below the only two needs of my current existence. Let me know your thoughts on the same.

• Need a decent, single, secure, straight, well settled and an ugly cute man for a partner. I kindly request you to pay attention to every single word afore mentioned, but do stress on two of them- single and straight. I have also heard that I am required to be highly specific about what I want and need out of this universe. I am going to try and be as specific as possible, probably just miss out on the name.  

1. Height: 5ft 10in - 6ft 3inch (please no shorter or no taller)
2. Weight: Healthy normal weight (yet to decide on a number as not only the height but also other things like bone weight have to be taken into consideration.)
3. Age: 28- 37 (older the better, considering most are like wine)
4. Color: Dark preferably more on the darkest side (racist I am, not)
5. Humour: Must have and not restricted to gastric, restroom or sex dependency.
6. Languages Known: English, Tamizh and preferably Spanish.
7. Sense of Style: Boho not Chic(you see he would be gay then), crisp designer formals(designer because I know then I can get my Hermes bag), casual wannabe hip hopper also allowed (ensure not a desperate wannabe though, as I would personally burn the clothes), and any other aberration or slick choice shall be dealt with.
8. Gustatory Preferences: Tasty, Decent Cuisines that do not include dishes made of, rotten shark, or a crocodile, or a horse, or a tiger's testicles (referring to the balls), or a goat's eyes or any other such random organ of a seemingly innocent living being, in their menus.
9. Bank Account: Just about enough to have a Swiss Account. (ya know what I mean ;)
10. Career Preferences: Anything legal yet pays enough to allow me to jump onto the lap of luxury with no option but to stay there lifelong.

I guess there must be other details to add, but I don't want you mistaking me to be a greedy soul. Will wait for you to send the first batch, and depending on quality, the kind of manufacturing and expiry date, I shall elaborate on the above. Be rest assured that I am being quite serious here. Do make a note of it if necessary.

Coming to my second need,

• This is something you ought to have blessed me with a while ago. I need to open my boutique. I apparently need the money to do so (and by the looks of it might have to pay myself to even think in the direction of opening a boutique). You know that. I don't want it to be too big but I am not keen on stitching 'Jockets' and 'Selwars (Kameez is implied)' or 'Chaddis' for people. If my designs are worn by 50% Bollywood+50% Hollywood, I don't mind stitching the afore mentioned. I would like my store to resonate me in every nook and corner. I wish I could share a lot more with you about my ideas, but considering I am using a social forum trying to reach you and also considering you have, in distraction created certain defect pieces (read hackers), I am certain you understand why I won't be divulging any more details. If truly interested to help this mere mortal, I suggest you show me a sign. I will then post a hand- written letter (definitely subject to you giving me your postal address along with the sign).

Look forward to hearing from you or rather shall we say seeing you in the actions you perform to keep this mere mortal aka your favorite child happy.

Wishing, Hoping, Knowing and Waiting

Lots Many Love

CJ (my intellectual name this is by the bye ;)