WHAT IS IT THEN?

i am dead!!!i don't feel like moving forward even a step...i want to stop by and take some rest..i am not blessed with that luxury either..happy faces pass by...fun seems to be a strange word to me..pleasing people is all that i seem to be doing of late...and being pseudo gets me good money..it does not get me the calm i have always yearned for...it is difficult to lean on someone and tougher is learning to do so...moreover i am a slow learner..but just when i think am almost done with my lesson B A N G!!!there goes the whole lesson down the drain..someone has let me down big time..i don't know if when i complain am i being merely human or an overgrown baby...man!!!!wish i knew the answer to that...it doesn't matter though..i feel so comfortably emotionally numb..it might scare the life out of someone who isn't accustomed to something like this... why on earth am i unable to disentangle myself from such morbid thoughts? will never know till i have learnt how to recognize my true calling..
i never would know how life was for those in stone ages or the ice age..but i wonder if they went through similar emotions of ambition, of avarice, of insecurity..i guess they had to only focus on their immediate needs and fulfill them..wonder what would they say if they were to see us today?survival is one emotion dominant in the history of mankind i bet..but the kind of survival has been through such metamorphoses, it would be hard to look at it as the basic need to survive..what then is it today? has civilization actually destroyed us? animals seem far more civilized to me...
today we find ourselves writing to express what we are feeling..the storm of emotions that we endure due to the fantabulous lifestyle that we lead..i wonder what changed us so much that many of us have stopped resembling humans.. today death does not even seem to be bad..man has devised worse methods of torture and torment..where do such dark evil thoughts come from? from the dark abyss of the human psyche? or are there 2 sides to each of us and it is to us to behave predominantly in one fashion?will never know..guess in all of us there is the dark side that's dormant for the most part of our lives and it just worries me to death, if it were to be opened by all then guess we have all successfully established a living hell for ourselves...
tell you what?i seriously need to get a perspective on the matter above and it would be great if any of you could throw some light on this.. so bring it on i say...

Finally!!!

Volver!!! To Return!!!

I am so glad that i finally watched a movie that didn't make me want to complain about the screenplay or crib about the acting or regret having spent any money on it, be it the DVD or the cinemas. The movie made so much sense yet was quite ambiguous I must add. As for Penelope Cruz, man she finally won my approval. She is stunning in the movie and has sunken herself in the character so much so you start believing it.
And the language!!! I knew I always loved the language and that's why I learnt it (2 levels only), but this movie has made me crave for the language. Today I find myself with a craving to visit Madrid, Barcelona, Castellana and so many other Spanish cities. The color, the culture, the food, the music, the folks... its a replica to a large extent of my very own Indian culture...
Gosh!!!Have been gushing like some teenager but guess what?these are the side effects of not having gotten to watch one sensible movie in ages..

life afer 22

sheets of rain slashing across the humid air...two good ol' friends...2 cups of earl grey...the background score of rain against asbestos muffled with fragments of conversation spiced by random pop music..the perfect setting...conversation seemed to flow easily and smoothly like the earl grey in my hand...we spoke about life, got nostalgic but at the end would inevitably return to our love-hate topic: W O R K...we didn't want to discuss work but yeah, would ultimately find ourselves talking with such enthusiasm, excitement, hatred this minute and a fond memory the next, a complaint this minute and a memorable moment the next...we just never seemed to have had enough of it...2 good ol' friends from college...had so much to talk about a year back and today all we discuss ever is work..the stunted conversations have become as natural as breathing to us now..are we dead intellectually?or are we moving onto a phase of existentialism?i think not.we at least have some vigour left in us even if it is limited to only work..guess that's life after 22....

dunno why or what

the voices never seem to quieten. footsteps never fade. memories are never washed out. yet oblivion exists. with good practice and control switching off emotionally is possible. laughter sounds piercing. sobbing sounds comfortably familiar. yet have not shed a single drop of tear. why write something that is accessible to all?yet the drive within ensures that the act of writing is realized.

guess am a boiling pot of contradictions. yet hope that the contradictions aren't in the extremes. don't want to be consumed by them. trying to make sense of what i have written, but funnily i don't understand it myself. wonder where all this came from. going through the out of body experience. eerie yet addictive...