What did 2012 do for me? Or wait... What did I do in 2012???

                                                              My 2012 

• Completed three years in the same company. Discovered am not all that commitment phobic as I thought I was.
• Had my first fracture :) Bloody painful. Turned out to be the best introspective and philosophical ride I have ever taken.
• Danced with gay abandon at a club. First time when inhibitions didn't pop my third left leg out.
• Got inked. Two tattoos, mind you.
• Made some, if I may say so myself, delicious Baileys/ Irish Cream. My way of drinking in front of my parents :) And what's even better? My grandparents and mom love it. Time for dad to taste.
• Another year successfully gone with no pressures from folks to get married. Knock on wood.
• BBQ'ed chicken with brother in law and sister. Yucky but when done, that chicken was fantabulous. Maybe got the coals to thank :)
• Made my first body scrub. So much fun making it and oooh, love love how it smells.
• Became an avid Pinner on Pinterest. My lifeline it has become.
• Lost two friends (nah, they ain't dead... just stopped being friends). Got closer to the ones I already had.
• Cut my hair real short and couldn't stop grinning for two days straight.
• Went to Gokarna finally. Heading back soon. Just couldn't get enough of it the last time.
• Got funnier. So much fun to see people trying hard to stop laughing. A gorgeous sight it is.
• Dealt with a drunken thief at office. Got my pepper spray finally :)
• Spoke less Tamizh. Will be on top of my TO-DO list for 2013.
• Discovered some beautiful music. Favorite being Have you Ever Been in Love by Divine Comedy.
• Fell a lot in the gym (that's why the broken foot), but no embarrassment to follow. Phew! Secure to a large extent I am now.
• Got my annual Root Canal done. LOL. One a year is now a must. Wonder how many left.
• Got out a Facebook page with my sister- Oranges and Peppers. A proud moment.
• Actually set up a website using a Wordpress template though. But, when I created those tabs that went to different pages, I knew I was special. A feel good moment at its best.
• Changed from an LG phone to a Samsung Galaxy S2 to iPhone. Love being a tech freak.
• Got my laptop. The joy of buying something that dear to me with my hard earned money :)
• Survived the Mayan apocalypse of course... lol!!!

Am sure if I think further, these bullet points above shall never end. And that only tells me one thing, which has me grinning like a fool all over again... I lived my life in 2012... Nothing else matters :) :) :)

Here's to a kickass, soopah doopah, jing chak (a happy sound) and total glitter filled and rhinestone adorned 2013 :)

Happy Happy New Year folks... Hope you guys too have lived your 2012... Wishing you all the love and smiles and sunshine and funny one liners and alcohol and kickass music and complete madness in the coming year... MMMUUAAAAHHH

oh, oh, oh... if you wanna share with me what you did in 2012, go for it OK... would love to read your story :)

Incomplete like everything else... t.i.m.e. ---> c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.d

the pitter patter of my dreams
slowly ironing out my wrinkled miseries,
a gnawing need for 'real'ationships
throwing away flaky pleasantries.
with ambitions almost satiated
my practicality burps in satisfaction
as my libido suddenly snaps its drowsy eyes open
and moans in distress.
now that its content, the intellect quits to toss and turn
that my body begins, to continue my life's rhythm.

Just a few of my favorite things (:

the sound of a baby getting himself to giggle like there's no tomorrow,

getting precisely one note right while attempting to 'sing' my favortie song,

a sudden visual memory of a past love

my orange slush creating an unwanted but nevertheless a funnily pleasuarable brain freeze  

cancellation of the conference call by my client leaving me cluelessly free for an evening

an old dress fitting me like second skin

waking up to a tranquil dawn before the alarm goes off

a sip of water gushing down my parched throat

a sly infectious and gregarious smile creeping into my face making others smile

an indulgent yawn accompanied by a lazy stretch on a rainy morning

These are indeed a few of my favorite things!!!

Start Living for Y O U!!!

It's so dark. She is alone. She is afraid of this darkness. It had started with the lights dimming. Slowly the cold blanket of darkness crept its way around and all over her and turned her painlessly blind. She tried to shout out for help. Fear got first to her vocal chords, holding them tight together. It didn't even allow a whimper to escape. She tried to cry the pain out. Nothing happened. He had ensured that she was dehydrated of that emotion. She felt it all the time. Fear was now her constant menacing companion. 

She was slowly suffocating in it. She knew the darkness not only absorbed and stole her vision, but it was slowly absorbing all the oxygen around her and stealing her breath, just not the way she would have liked it. She smiled for him, helplessly aware of the muscles starting to move and the ache of the same when she had to hold that smile for ten seconds. She had to be happy, but just the way he liked it. She now had acquired a new skill, that she had never before thought of as a life skill. She now knew how to act. 

Fear had incarcerated her ability to talk. She met her family. They all lived in the same city. They loved her. She knew they loved her. They would do anything humanly possible and within and beyond their means to make her happy. But, she didn't talk. She was afraid to talk to them. Ashamed and regretting the choices she made, she maintained a stoic silence. The charade was slowly turning into an alternate reality. Often had her wondering if she was suffering from Multiple Personalities Disorder (MPD). But, it wasn't going to be that easy for her. She was conscious and alert at all times living her double life. She didn't even have the comfort of blanking out that MPD would have had to offer. 

Defeated, hopeless with an absolute absence of a sense of self worth, she now believes that she is where she is, that she is with whom she is because she deserves it. She does not know how to love herself, or more importantly, does not recognize the fact that it is A- O.K. to love oneself. She is who she is because of this man who is currently in her life. Afraid if he leaves her she is going to be another piece of furniture. Afraid if he leaves, she will be living a void and not a life. Has chosen to have this drama in what she calls her life instead having to face the world, start all over again and pretend to enjoy a semblance of a normal life that is as alien to her as this man loving her for who she is.

I am writing this, to let her and all the other women out there in the same dreary passive place know that, life can never metamorphosize into being a void.  You are responsible for you. Take responsibility. Decision making is never easy, even more so now. But making that decision where you put yourself before 'him,' you will realize later would be the best decision you have ever made in your life. This isn't any self help advice. You will appreciate that decision of yours when you start living life all over again. It isn't wrong to love yourself. Start Loving YOU. Living life happy isn't a crime. Start Smiling, Giggling and Laughing TODAY. 

Be easy on yourself. There are very many of us for you. I am here for you. Ready to listen if you are ready to talk! Take Care (:

HEart- Breaker :) - Part Two

HE 2: When someone tells you not to ask for trouble, L I S T E N!!! Oh, if only I had listened. Seems like am destined to learn life lessons the hard way- the one and only way that works for me. So 'He're's my second-He. 


An ex of a dear friend. That was the first clue thrown at me by the cosmos to stay the h**l away. But, yours truly, is often blind and deaf and pretty much senseless in every possible way to the obvious. I was one of the few who had a cell phone all those years ago. Thought twas a blessing then. The thinking has changed since. I messaged him. I proposed a naive and immature treaty of flirting, asking for his consent. Consent, that I did get without a hitch, but of course. And This, began one of the most memorable and life altering experiences that I have ever had in this tiny life of mine so far.


Nine months. How poetic and ironic! That's how long 'it' went on. Two different cities. Long distance calls and messages. I don't know what to call what we shared. 'It' has no name. Not a relationship, not a fling. To me it wasn't a crush, never felt an infatuation. I would like to believe it was love, but was it? Today, I don't know. I was young. Feels like an excuse today. I am a woman! I should have listened to my instincts. But then again, I am a woman. I had been waiting for my tall, dark and handsome 'knight in shining armor' to come riding gallantly into my life and sweep me off my feet. So I fell in love with a faceless man, waited every night (the only 'k'night I was going to get) for his calls or messages, who never came riding yet torpedoed into my life, swept me off my feet and let go, having me fall as gracefully as I could on my larger than life derrière. 


The natural padding didn't help, after all. 


He came finally to my city. We met for 15 minutes, I guess. There were promises made of another meeting but of course I knew it never was going to happen. He left without a word. My battle of the bulge won. He didn't like what he saw.  I cannot think of any other reason for his sudden change in attitude and behavior. 


I, was looking for love. He, was bored and wanted to have some fun. Guess we were looking for different things in life, from life. I am not angry anymore. I was hurt and upset, close to five years. Today, I know I had asked for 'it.' My heart got broken. For the first time in my life, I was starkly reminded of its presence. He taught me though how much I could love, adore someone. How I could make my life about someone and live for someone. He also taught me though, that I should be wise in choosing that someone. Should thank him when I meet him for that.
He is a bitter sweet memory, who is fast fading into a hazy cerebral silhouette. 

'HE're are my stories- Part One

The He-s of my life (no familial references :-) : A project that shall come into life in parts, is special in very many ways to me. Might not make much sense, but its still a tribute to all the He-s nevertheless.

HE 1: Has me wondering ... where the f**k is he now? What a mad rush those three days of knowing him gave me. A complete stranger. Fellow countryman from a foreign country. Tall, wheatish and cute. So not my idea of the perfect one.


Sensed him even before laid my eyes on him. His breath teasing my forehead as he bent, to ask me if all concerts in India were that bad in his quasi British accent. The random chap stopped being random within 5 minutes. A merry (or mary) columbus and a giantwheel spin followed by dropping him off in the middle of somewhere, a date was fixed. Date happened and so did the disappearing act.


The date, today I know, was a catastrophe. Hindsight sure knows how to kick your rear end mercilessly :). Date happened alongwith my entourage of girls who did nothing to hide their enthusiasm in 'perusing' him. Then the two of us started walking aimlessly on the streets of the city, doing those very things I deemed below me.  Don't let those creative juices flow folks. What I mean is we were wandering aimlessly, coyly holding hands and smiling and giggling at really blah stuff and pretty much being the corniest people. Post coffee and an interesting conversation, it was time for me to leave. Promises were made, yet a sense that these were hanging promises never left me. These weren't grounded substantial promises made. They were as flighty and new as the man himself. Haven't met him since. Been 8- 9 years. Yet a smile always tickles my face when I think of him.


He was my first mills & boon man. And he always will be. The first man to make me feel divinely beautiful and gorgeously feminine. Will always be thankful for that. No anger, No regrets. Will do it all over again if I had to, but this time will jot down his name so I won't forget.


(:

H O P E, should she?

opinions hurled, becoming arguments.

'listen' being the chosen word, 

chosen though by pairs of deaf ears.

if not, why didn't they hear?

a muffled moan...

a cry worn down by anguish...

a silence made deafening by the pain that caused it...

she tried hard to communicate.

yet, she was falling short somewhere.

and then, she fell into an abyss,

a dark narrow abyss that went on and on.

an abyss of, hurt, misunderstanding, impatience...

of so many sad things, simply.

she wasn't ready.

they must know it, 

yet they didn't.

quit floating further into the abyss, you little idiot!

she chided herself.

start flying.

soar above and beyond the abyss.

show them how you fly.

they'll understand.

bereft of any strength or inclination to make her voice heard,

that is also she is left with now...

Hope!

recipe for my 'love'ly day :)

love me today or else we have to wait another year. its just one day you have, to show me how much you love me. sure seems challenging, but i give you my word that saying the first hi and the first hi's that follow to initiate conversations are always the most difficult. 

starting the day by wishing me happy valentine's day is a bad bad idea. poor saints valentines. yea!you read that right. there were very many saints with that name and if you must know, for the longest time the word valentine and romance/love were not even related. i suppose you do take yourself seriously and your life means something to you right? then, don't get me anything that is red in color or even resembles the shape of a heart. hearts don't look like that and red to me is the color of danger. wonder why would you then try and express your love to me being dangerous and that too in a phantom shape of what is supposed to be your heart.

now, love songs, that's a very tricky bit. songs are beautiful and some love songs are so beautiful and soulful. but most are to be trashed. so sugary sweet and gooey i want to just sit under the shower and never step out. so, if a love song is easily found or if it is liked by very many people on youtube, i am most probably never ever going to like it.

chocolates! almost always find them sinfully delicious. yet, somehow on this day i find them choking my food pipe with chunky pieces clogging inside and greasily and mushily (yuck) slithering down. there are chocolates that do taste like divine treats and if you aren't aware of what am referring to, refrain!

way too many don'ts eh? lets try a few do's then. for starters, let me sleep well into the morning and i will let you snore. it’s a deal. to do that everyday would be perfect, but am ready to compromise to three mornings a week. lets cook up a meal and a colorful spicy chaos in the kitchen. if i burn food eat with a smile on your face. if you add an extra pinch of salt i shall still eat it with relish. 

lets put our legs up and try to intertwine our toes. relax. read a book or take random pictures of the house and what's outside or play a game of snakes and ladders or just catch a movie, at home though. and then we shall have a conversation and by that i mean a real one, even if it means we seriously talk to my alter ego. you will meet her when you meet her. she can be a lot of fun.

listen to some music, music we both love and share a goofy dance. we can then have friends over, drink, play music, play games and eat a lot of barbecued food.

once we are done cleaning up the place, we shall call it a day and retire to our 'champagne cave' for a night of 'stuporous' calm. 

A love-ly day it has been.

A whimsical expression of a very serious thought!

Dear God,


Epadi da irukai? Considering we have been friends I guess am allowed to ask you at least this much. Friendship we have going no. Busy as hell aa? Ok, that sounds wrong here. Anyway I suppose your plate is full and you are indeed handling cosmos-altering problems. I really don't want to add another teeny weeny burden to your already busy schedule, but I had no one else to go to. You know that of course :) That's my smile for you da if you're wondering what am doing with these punctuation symbols .


Not wasting any more divine moments, please find below the only two needs of my current existence. Let me know your thoughts on the same.

• Need a decent, single, secure, straight, well settled and an ugly cute man for a partner. I kindly request you to pay attention to every single word afore mentioned, but do stress on two of them- single and straight. I have also heard that I am required to be highly specific about what I want and need out of this universe. I am going to try and be as specific as possible, probably just miss out on the name.  

1. Height: 5ft 10in - 6ft 3inch (please no shorter or no taller)
2. Weight: Healthy normal weight (yet to decide on a number as not only the height but also other things like bone weight have to be taken into consideration.)
3. Age: 28- 37 (older the better, considering most are like wine)
4. Color: Dark preferably more on the darkest side (racist I am, not)
5. Humour: Must have and not restricted to gastric, restroom or sex dependency.
6. Languages Known: English, Tamizh and preferably Spanish.
7. Sense of Style: Boho not Chic(you see he would be gay then), crisp designer formals(designer because I know then I can get my Hermes bag), casual wannabe hip hopper also allowed (ensure not a desperate wannabe though, as I would personally burn the clothes), and any other aberration or slick choice shall be dealt with.
8. Gustatory Preferences: Tasty, Decent Cuisines that do not include dishes made of, rotten shark, or a crocodile, or a horse, or a tiger's testicles (referring to the balls), or a goat's eyes or any other such random organ of a seemingly innocent living being, in their menus.
9. Bank Account: Just about enough to have a Swiss Account. (ya know what I mean ;)
10. Career Preferences: Anything legal yet pays enough to allow me to jump onto the lap of luxury with no option but to stay there lifelong.

I guess there must be other details to add, but I don't want you mistaking me to be a greedy soul. Will wait for you to send the first batch, and depending on quality, the kind of manufacturing and expiry date, I shall elaborate on the above. Be rest assured that I am being quite serious here. Do make a note of it if necessary.

Coming to my second need,

• This is something you ought to have blessed me with a while ago. I need to open my boutique. I apparently need the money to do so (and by the looks of it might have to pay myself to even think in the direction of opening a boutique). You know that. I don't want it to be too big but I am not keen on stitching 'Jockets' and 'Selwars (Kameez is implied)' or 'Chaddis' for people. If my designs are worn by 50% Bollywood+50% Hollywood, I don't mind stitching the afore mentioned. I would like my store to resonate me in every nook and corner. I wish I could share a lot more with you about my ideas, but considering I am using a social forum trying to reach you and also considering you have, in distraction created certain defect pieces (read hackers), I am certain you understand why I won't be divulging any more details. If truly interested to help this mere mortal, I suggest you show me a sign. I will then post a hand- written letter (definitely subject to you giving me your postal address along with the sign).

Look forward to hearing from you or rather shall we say seeing you in the actions you perform to keep this mere mortal aka your favorite child happy.

Wishing, Hoping, Knowing and Waiting

Lots Many Love

CJ (my intellectual name this is by the bye ;)

a ghost of a friendship that was!!!

conversations with no beginning and never ending.
humor endearing although exasperating.
you drove me nuts but i didn't seem to mind.
hadn't realized we had stuck up a friendship of sorts.
ghost of a friendship one might want to call it..
never met, but conversations many we had
laughs, thoughts, opinions and music!
we shared all that and our time together.
friends, i thought we had become.
and suddenly everything went undone.
conversations and laughs were replaced by silence.
the company i had come to enjoy suddenly ceased to exist.
my existence was acknowledged no more.
wondered if i had done or said anything wrong.
retrospection leading me nowhere.
often thought of mailing or pinging you.
fear compromising my spurt of courage.
i am not sure if  we will be friendly again.
i am not sure if you even give me a thought.
you weren't and maybe aren't perfect,
yet, I miss you!

A little thank you to her- my bumchum!!!

an elegant smile here and a pout there.
she is a woman now and in an instant she becomes the child.
confusion being a constant state of her being,
yet the clarity of her thoughts catching you unawares 
when you least expect, bringing a slow growing smile on your face,
relaxing those taut facial muscles,
so warm with affection like hot chocolate on a cold winter evening,
it is but impossible to not get addicted to her.
she is the perfect comfort food when you need some,
yet you can't take her for granted!
has me wondering sometimes if she is an empath
understanding people and situations with an emotional depth that's rare to come by.
unassumingly hilarious to the point of giving all a tummy ache,
a gifted cook when it comes to her three standard dishes,
earnest about her feelings and who she is,
easily susceptible to being in love,
angry as she smiles,
sane in her insanity,
she is
sometimes a sister,
sometimes a mother,
sometimes a teacher,
but always a friend.
Thank you!

Shy moments of Clarity :)

i always feared loneliness and kept preparing myself for the 'D' day when i would find myself devoid of any thought and utterly lonely.and here i am today, having realized that when i have been lonely in the past, loneliness was my constant companion. but when i have been alone, i have been just that... alone!

i kept chasing one big dream of mine. and one day i woke. woke up because i realized that i had quit dreaming altogether. it is indeed time to start dreaming again as well as chase that big dream of mine.

i used to think when  lines start blurring , the other in the equation would draw them back or would be used to the lines by now... that's wrong i discovered! it's my responsibility to ME to draw those lines again and to not lose sight of what I want out of that relationship.

i know my kaya and moksh will not be my flesh and blood. but they are my life and soul can't wait to bring them home :)

a day to remember!

I was 'queerish' with all the excitement and colors that went swirling round me again and again last afternoon. With the secure comfort of my camera I hesitantly started clicking my pictures worried sick how they might turn out to be. Guess the fear came from that pocket of my being that wanted me to be a 'photographer.' The pocket does not exist anymore!
I am no 'photographer.' 
I am a 'thief who hunts.' I stole and captured moments. I froze emotions and kept them with me. I picked and collected colors slyly hiding them in my digital basket. Flipping through my bounty made me realize how a pinch of pure joy and a dash of unabashed excitement at that right moment helped create a memory that's distinctly etched in my mind. A memory that has miraculously managed to make me grin ear to ear literally. 
I walked. I danced. I laughed. I hugged. I drank. I ate. and I clicked myself to delirious joy in 'gay abandon.'

Wishes =/= Horses or maybe Wishes == Horses

Wishes sometimes do seem to be horses
although an ordinary beggar like myself would  love to ride
ride far away from all of this confusion
sadness i know i can cry
happiness i know i can laugh
anger i know i can yell
jealousy i know i can sulk
confusion i know not how to react
a void filled emotion is not something i think i handle well
yet it fills my head
occupies all of my time
days of frolic and carefree abandon lost
so far scattered opinions colliding to create friction
Wish i could ride away from it all
old times' sake blackmails me into stalling
yet does not stop me from wondering what next
where to from here
does the journey continue or does it flow into ambiguity?
anybody?

Conditioned Fantasies

Drowsy pain
sobering my fuzzy mind,
slap-to-reality spasms
denying me access into my Alice in Wonderland world.
swirling colors
like delicious flavors tingling and taunting the cool recesses of my head.
sensations are abound,
appreciation in plenty,
the male form is desired!
and reciprocated desire is expected of HIM!
yet HE changes every week,
sometimes everyday,
fickle my mind may sure seem to be.
but if there was one who proved HIS mettle,
i know i could give HIM the guarantee.
unfortunately though, 'THAT'S a rare vintage,'
as my dear friend would say,
rings in my head and refuses to leave,
but not before it aids me in creating beautiful picturesque paintings.
paintings of scenarios,
scenarios that reduce me to a wanton amorous woman,
a wild being painfully restricted
by self imposed chains and ropes of modesty and social conditioning.
oh! how wonderful would it be for the social improper to be proper.
even if for just a day.
to take pride in the release of a delectable sigh of satisfaction.
and yet, as i write i know with a deep sense of self understanding-
its going to be only a sigh of fatigue that will escape between my lips!

Ooh So Bitchy Mirror and the Poor Evil Stepmother :)

'Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of all?'

------------

I repeat, 'Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of all?'

------------

*Maybe its the lighting issue. Maybe I should thrust my breasts out a little more... oh I don't know. How to deal with a silent mirror? Lets try nevertheless*

So, ahem, 'Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of all?'

Mirror: I am not sure who the fairest is but you definitely aren't the best endowed oh foolish one.

Hrmph! I could so totally throw you down and shatter you to a million sparkly wannabe stars. You know what's stopping me?

Mirror: First, am quite scared. Shivering so much in fear am sure if you see carefully the loose skin on your face would appear to be quivering. Second, I am dying to know why have I been spared. So go on and enlighten me.

Oh Oh you... like whatever... insolent little dude... like totally... like I could so....

Mirror: I see we have gotten eloquent now, haven't we? Does that make 8 words in total in your dictionary now?

LOL!!! How funny! Remind me to laugh tomorrow.

Mirror: Oh that prospect scares me dahling considering your age. I am afraid a new day will dawn and I wouldn't hear your voice. Uh Oh!

I think I shall go to the mall this evening to get a tin of black paint and paint you black. Just you wait and watch!

Mirror: In all these joyfully miserable years, this is the first thing you have said that even sounds remotely appealing. The darkness... mmmm.. finally the sleep I have been yearning for is just 'round the corner. By the way you might want to change out of those acid washed jeans lest invisibility to the opposite sex is your goal.

Like I care what you have to say about my sense of style.

Mirror: Then don't. Go get the paint the way you are dressed.

Oh I will. I don't need you to tell me that! Ummm... are the jeans really that awful?

Mirror: Women! If only I had eyes to roll. Yea, they are awful. The kind you wear to work on your farm and then end the day chugging beer, burping and having your flabby ass smacked by some unknown peasant.

Oh now we are trying to be Tim Gunn I see. So why didn't you say so before?

Mirror: I am a Mirror. I tend to answer to questions thrown in my direction. I chose to speak now as I desperately needed to remind myself that I wasn't a damaged stereo system playing a dialogue on loop. And to be honest, I quite enjoyed you making an ass of yourself in those fugly jeans.

I thought you the Mighty Mirror were asexual. Oh how wrong I was.

Mirror: Surprised are you that I am that bitchy girlfriend you have always wished for but never had? Or surprised that I am like every man you have met so far. So what/who am I?

After all that I have been through and seen reflectively, you would be surprised to find out the truth.

Who are you?

Mirror: Oh I am a little tired with all the unusual banter we just shared. Will indulge you another time. So long Dahling!

Just Catching Up

It had been playing peek-a-boo for a while now,

She had known it was just around the corner for sometime now

and yet, when it finally arrived and she had to embrace it,

Even acknowledging seemed next to impossible.

Or so she thought.

Up until now the world seemed to have moved on as she stood stationary to her ground,

and now she was moving at a pace that threatened the speed of light.

Sleep started its lazy seduction earlier in the night,

health preceded beauty in importance,

goals replaced wild night-outs,

risqué notions on relationships started getting laced with the idea of commitment,

crow's feet became a recent acquaintance of her smile,

steaming anger fizzled out cooling to a calm and still Zen state.

Reactions were forgotten now, thanks to responses taking over,

She found it as easy to get choked with emotion as to laugh,

She smiled, lighting up her eyes,

She was growing into the woman she knew she was meant to be,

Becoming her own person,

And yea! she's proud of it.

bits and pieces

her fingers stopped typing suddenly.

she was staring into blank space

or was it blank after all?

wondering.

worrying.

mesmerized.

possessed,

realization hit her.

she was that pink elephant in the room

goes carefully unnoticed!

oh!she had been looking for the pink elephant, herself.

if only she had glanced at the mirror- but now,

her computer screen had done the deed

alone, by herself, clueless and lost

terrified she was, but excited too.

methodical responses she gave to questions volleyed at her,

a trance she found herself in or maybe her living had become the trance now.

tried to drink her woes away, aware they weren't abandoning her anytime soon-

knew now didn't she?

it was overwhelming;

wasn't it?

to know &

possess a certain knowledge of being unloved...unloved amidst

oh!she didn't know what to call it-

unconditional love or obligation?

hungry for so much... but the 'much' she didn't know was what-

broken sentences from broken thoughts

broken hearts eventually formed a whole, yet,

broken thoughts never completed themselves.

she knew what had to be done.

she was going to ...

Of Love Filled Laughter and Sniffles

She was his sunshi(g)ne... a name that stuck with her because of uncontrollable laughter interwoven with delectable flirting... he became her bako raja... madness was redefined... love gathered new silken evasive layers that held them together... he drove her up the wall most of the time... she proved to him that women were indeed mysterious creatures whom men might never understand... they loved... they laughed... they ate... they lived... they argued... then they fought... they cried... they spoke... they hated and then loved again... distance didn't make the hearts grow fonder... hearts grew distant... minds turning into strangers... happy discoveries became tiresome and tedious questions that needed an answer but never had one... and finally one full moon night that held numerous starry promises, the dreaded words were spoken and finality took control... they parted amidst sniffles and tears and promises of a maybe tomorrow... sigh! even as they hoped they were aware of reality... but they did have a tomorrow... just not their tomorrow... yet a tomorrow that perhaps wasn't so bad... he still makes her laugh.. and she still makes him flirt... they haven't forgotten... love's taken a new form but hasn't gone anywhere...

so much left to be spoken...

so much left to be shared...

and tomorrow's always going to be there

She is....

waffle warm sun comforting her... restless'ly' beautiful music getting her heart to race... a spasm to remind her of reality... she wishes yet wishes she hadn't wished... engulfed by a whirlpool of confusion she tries to get her footing... hah! if only!

she looks up with a jerk hoping the sudden movement will be caught by the oh-so-not-watchful eye of the creator... screws her eyes wondering who this creator was, indeed, reflecting vividly the confusion she was in... she does not notice the wide smiled creator smiling indulgently at this 'little being' who does not recognize how mighty she is...

she wonders and ponders over her future... she marinates in her present... she dusts her past to live through old experiences again... guide her through the new ones she gets to make... smiles fondly at relationships past and then smiles wistfully at relationships to come... then she smiles with a longing for that one recent rendezvous she had had with this otherwise perfectly imperfect man...

and she sighs!!!