is this just yet another rant of mine???

i never thought or could have preempted that growing up and being an adult would be this difficult and at times torturous...i have no idea why i would have thought otherwise..guess it was ma childlike innocence and naivety that made me think otherwise...when you take your first step you have someone holding you to help you balance..but when you take your first real step into this adult world there is no one to support you or no one out there holding his arms out ready to hold you lest you fall, give a big warm hug and tell you that 'hey its OK!!!we take it one step at a time'...maybe expecting this again is being childlike...as a child i was worried about ma basic needs...today i am worried about how to support ma basic needs..fair enough..but along with genuine worries such as the same, i have worries about what the world around me thinks of me, have i done ma job well enough to earn myself the reward of a promotion, do i have the necessary brands in ma wardrobe that raises me in the eyes of the world at large, a world that forgets to even notice the person wrapped up in such superficial accolades...i would understand if you stop to think as you are reading this whether i am over analysing the stimuli around me...perhaps i am...yet i do wish i had some of these questions answered...as a kid loneliness could have been an alien from a planet yet to be unearthed for all i cared...today it sticks by me like we are best pals...as a kid people around me made me happy...today they make me wary, keeping me alert pondering over what their next move is and what are their intentions...this world out here is so harsh and cold that the thought of staying isolated away from people in an igloo somewhere up the north pole would make me feel warmer than i do sitting in this tropical country...i do understand that it isn't all bad as i seem to be making of it...but life has bestowed on me some very harsh lessons that fail me in appreciating the good that happens...i have indeed grown to be the woman i am today, come into my own and even get strong enough that i possibly could support a multitude of people emotionally, but i always wonder where does that leave me?where do i go from here on?i dunno and i dunno why...

say hi to your tooth fairy ;)

have you ever imagined what life would have been if waxing as a technique for hair removal hadn't been discovered and one had to pluck each hair out from your hands and legs with the help of the tweezers? argh!!!!too painful to even imagine..but i just realized am enduring something worse forget imagining it...i am undergoing root canal treatment...trust me you have to run to your dentist or rather you will run to your dentist the moment you are done with this post...
now what is root canal? for the blessed ones who are yet to endure this trauma, let me explain the medical condition to the best of ma abilities...now your tooth is hollow within and nah!!there aint gas in there. it has nerves within...now why hollow and how nerves within? (you have the nerve to ask that question in your head ;) ) imgine this fragile swaraoski crystal rose plant in a glass case...yeah yeah keep wishing...it aint that beautiful but the equation is more or less similar..so neways the issue with root canal is that these oh-so-delicate nerves get infected and its time to clean the crap outta your mouth (hey am just being figurative here..no need to screw up thy face) to do this they would have to drill a hole on th surface of your tooth to enter the hollow..and then the cleaning procedure begins..man i felt like this bathroom tile who was being scrubbed clean coz it hadnt been cleaned for years on end..but i must add that ma dentist is like god to me..the only man who always elicits the same reaction from me when i meet him, as in ma jaws drop wen i see him each time and am drooling all over..one lucky soul on earth must say..but yeah he is briliant at his job and thereore i needen't worry about loosing one of ma pearly whites prematurely though the procedure when is happening makes me plead wth god to make the tooth disappear...
know i am fixating on this whole root canal treatment..but hey for someone who ran the opposite direction when you took the D of Dentist, this feels like climbing mount everest without any capabilities, be it physical or in ma case mentally...today i feel so liberated and euphoric that i think i should have sat at the dentist's instead of ma counsellor's couch...and the best thing is that alongwith my tooth even ma head seems to be clearing up..
and folks do this today coz if you ignore like i did then you too might have to empty half your savings..aint worth it...
any doubts, clarifications, suggestions or advice required in this matter please feel free to consult yours truly..................

P.S. hmmm aint too confident over the root canal spelling..but really who cares eh? dont even if you have a tendency to do so...understood?

present to become past soon as it will enter the future

another year is about to end in the two hours sixteen minutes. another year that has passed by with no significant change that would later make me want to reminisce the year. i jumped from one agency to another to carry on the same job that i started with and also hated the most. i got to re-connect with friends i had lost over the years. i made some new ones and soaked in the glory of old ones like wine. i made some new ones as well. overall it seems to be a decent year. and yet there's this void that does not allow me to be content.

i want to write so much, yet the conscience within me is tying me down with heart wrenching chords not allowing me to express myself. i don't think i can on a public medium nor do i think i ever will. growing old i never knew was this perennial board exams that one always had to give. writing has always come easily to me but i suddenly find myself inarticulate and intellectually challenged.

the coming year seems to be approaching near and very fast. it's this baby that is not ready to wait its full term but is all eager and enthusiastic to enter this world. if only it knew what it has to witness. hey hold on!!!!!if i want to have a blast the coming year, i need to be positive right.

yeah now thats very important. i do believe that the coming year also holds a lot of expressed and unspoken promises. if all goes well i should be able to realize my dream. i should be able to get my footing somewhere in the process of defining myself and my identity. this 'about to be past' year has definitely brought moments f joy and moments of sadness. the one thing that i can never get over is ma loss of simba. without him i feel somewhat bereft. he knows as much as i do that we both are there for each other and that neither will forget the other ever. 'i miss you love. may your soul rest in peace my baby ;(.'

just a couple of more hours for me to get into the next train in the journey of my life. i dunno how many stops are we going to stop at this time. some bring happiness and the others something morose. overall it is truly a journey of life. i think now am all ready emotionally to experience yet another roller-coaster ride.

so here's to one and all who have read my blog and encourage me to write more and who really care for me and love me!!!!!!thanks a million!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

have a very very very happy new year!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IS IT THEN?

i am dead!!!i don't feel like moving forward even a step...i want to stop by and take some rest..i am not blessed with that luxury either..happy faces pass by...fun seems to be a strange word to me..pleasing people is all that i seem to be doing of late...and being pseudo gets me good money..it does not get me the calm i have always yearned for...it is difficult to lean on someone and tougher is learning to do so...moreover i am a slow learner..but just when i think am almost done with my lesson B A N G!!!there goes the whole lesson down the drain..someone has let me down big time..i don't know if when i complain am i being merely human or an overgrown baby...man!!!!wish i knew the answer to that...it doesn't matter though..i feel so comfortably emotionally numb..it might scare the life out of someone who isn't accustomed to something like this... why on earth am i unable to disentangle myself from such morbid thoughts? will never know till i have learnt how to recognize my true calling..
i never would know how life was for those in stone ages or the ice age..but i wonder if they went through similar emotions of ambition, of avarice, of insecurity..i guess they had to only focus on their immediate needs and fulfill them..wonder what would they say if they were to see us today?survival is one emotion dominant in the history of mankind i bet..but the kind of survival has been through such metamorphoses, it would be hard to look at it as the basic need to survive..what then is it today? has civilization actually destroyed us? animals seem far more civilized to me...
today we find ourselves writing to express what we are feeling..the storm of emotions that we endure due to the fantabulous lifestyle that we lead..i wonder what changed us so much that many of us have stopped resembling humans.. today death does not even seem to be bad..man has devised worse methods of torture and torment..where do such dark evil thoughts come from? from the dark abyss of the human psyche? or are there 2 sides to each of us and it is to us to behave predominantly in one fashion?will never know..guess in all of us there is the dark side that's dormant for the most part of our lives and it just worries me to death, if it were to be opened by all then guess we have all successfully established a living hell for ourselves...
tell you what?i seriously need to get a perspective on the matter above and it would be great if any of you could throw some light on this.. so bring it on i say...

Finally!!!

Volver!!! To Return!!!

I am so glad that i finally watched a movie that didn't make me want to complain about the screenplay or crib about the acting or regret having spent any money on it, be it the DVD or the cinemas. The movie made so much sense yet was quite ambiguous I must add. As for Penelope Cruz, man she finally won my approval. She is stunning in the movie and has sunken herself in the character so much so you start believing it.
And the language!!! I knew I always loved the language and that's why I learnt it (2 levels only), but this movie has made me crave for the language. Today I find myself with a craving to visit Madrid, Barcelona, Castellana and so many other Spanish cities. The color, the culture, the food, the music, the folks... its a replica to a large extent of my very own Indian culture...
Gosh!!!Have been gushing like some teenager but guess what?these are the side effects of not having gotten to watch one sensible movie in ages..

life afer 22

sheets of rain slashing across the humid air...two good ol' friends...2 cups of earl grey...the background score of rain against asbestos muffled with fragments of conversation spiced by random pop music..the perfect setting...conversation seemed to flow easily and smoothly like the earl grey in my hand...we spoke about life, got nostalgic but at the end would inevitably return to our love-hate topic: W O R K...we didn't want to discuss work but yeah, would ultimately find ourselves talking with such enthusiasm, excitement, hatred this minute and a fond memory the next, a complaint this minute and a memorable moment the next...we just never seemed to have had enough of it...2 good ol' friends from college...had so much to talk about a year back and today all we discuss ever is work..the stunted conversations have become as natural as breathing to us now..are we dead intellectually?or are we moving onto a phase of existentialism?i think not.we at least have some vigour left in us even if it is limited to only work..guess that's life after 22....

dunno why or what

the voices never seem to quieten. footsteps never fade. memories are never washed out. yet oblivion exists. with good practice and control switching off emotionally is possible. laughter sounds piercing. sobbing sounds comfortably familiar. yet have not shed a single drop of tear. why write something that is accessible to all?yet the drive within ensures that the act of writing is realized.

guess am a boiling pot of contradictions. yet hope that the contradictions aren't in the extremes. don't want to be consumed by them. trying to make sense of what i have written, but funnily i don't understand it myself. wonder where all this came from. going through the out of body experience. eerie yet addictive...